Our Drugs Do Not Cause Racism, Shark Attacks, Or Whatever Else You Just Read On Twitter

bunch of white oval medication tablets and white medication capsules
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Dear Customers,

Here at Sanofi we always strive to deliver accurate information about your health. That’s why we recently made a point of reassuring our customers that despite what they may have read on Twitter: There is no correlation between Ambien use and blatant racism. In fact, none of our drugs are known to cause racism— not even Zolfresh!

Since the news cycle moves so quickly these days we’d like to take this opportunity to preemptively deny some other dubious claims that may or may not be circulating our products. 

•  Despite what Roseanne says, Ambien does NOT make you more susceptible to believing outrageous conspiracy theories, although it does make you more susceptible to falling asleep watching History Channel shows about outrageous conspiracy theories.

•  There is no reason to believe that any of our drugs cause people to think about birds any more than they normally would. Why? Are you thinking about a bird right now?

•  To our knowledge none of our products have ever caused someone to spontaneously bake an entire croquembouche. If you believe this has happened to you please contact your doctor or pastry chef immediately.

•  There are no reports of anyone developing super powers from crushing up an Ambien CR and snorting it through a crazy straw, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it.

•  Despite the rumors on Reddit, our cardiovascular drug Plavix is NOT the reason the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. That kind of serious reaction was clearly caused by our competitor, Eliquis.

•  Our drugs only cause people to FEEL like they’re going to be attacked by a shark. The actual odds that you’ll be attacked by a shark remain unchanged (unless you wear red).

•  At no point has Ambien been linked to a increased likelihood of adopting 27 cats. We know it seems natural for a heavy Ambien user to sleepwalk to the ASPCA and a adopt a cat 27 nights in a row, but in clinical trials the ASPCA employees always caught on after the fourth or fifth cat.

•  There is absolutely no evidence that our drugs cause an decrease in your Uber rating, however falling asleep in your Uber may have its own negative effects.

•  Nasal mist Allegra should NEVER be used as an alternative to Pam when making eggs. But it’s probably fine for pancakes.

•  No matter what you’ve heard before, we did NOT invent IcyHot for common aches and pains. We invented it so people would put it on their balls. Go ahead. Try it.

•  Ambien is not, and never was, a secret way to deploy smallpox to the population so we could make a fortune on our smallpox vaccine. That’s what our painkiller Solpadol is for.

•  If you ever see a video telling you to do “The Maalox Challenge” and chug an entire bottle of liquid antacid: Sure, go for it.

•  No, we don’t know what Gold Bond is either.

As always, we thank you for being a loyal Sanofi customer and if you took an Ambien when you started reading this: We hope you’re sitting down, because you’re about to pass the fuck out.

Sincerely,

Lars Van Sanofi

CEO, Sanofi

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