Embarrassing Confession: I Actually Like Facebook

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Hey everyone. Wow, I’m feeling vulnerable today. Maybe it’s a good day to admit something I never admit to anybody. Maybe I’m just especially brave. But I have to tell all of you something extremely personal — I actually enjoy using Facebook.

Sometimes I’m in a group of people, and everyone will start shitting on Facebook. And to me, it feels like when people are collectively shitting on a guy you don’t want anyone to know you slept with (which also happens to me). But it feels way worse. Because I didn’t just sleep with Facebook. I love Facebook.

Facebook’s like the brother I never had. The sister I dreamed about. The boyfriend who could finally give me what I needed. It’s like Twitter, but with more pictures. It’s like Instagram, but also with text. It’s like Snapchat, but it doesn’t leave you. It’s like reddit, but completely different. It’s like my mom’s warm hug. It’s like watching a newborn baby be expelled from a vagina, but in a nice way. It’s hot chocolate on a cold winter’s night. It’s hot chocolate spilled on your purse in the middle of summer. It’s incredible.

I don’t know what I love most about it. Is it the one-liners? The political rants? The birthdays? The likes? Oh, wait. It’s definitely the likes. That’s actually the only thing I like about Facebook. But I like likes so much. Please like this post. Byeee.

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