LOS ANGELES, CA—ABC’s hit franchise The Bachelorette premiered its thirteenth season last night, delivering all the drama Bachelor Nation could have hoped for. Bachelorette Becca Kufrin’s first rose ceremony will surely go down in Bachelor history, but not for the extravagant introductions or drunken machoism that typically consumes the introductory episode. What was truly groundbreaking was candid confessionals from the men who did not receive one of Becca’s coveted roses.
Chris Harrison, who has hosted the show for its entirety, put out a statement regarding the unexpected responses of rejected suitors. “These men came here to meet Becca in hopes of getting a rose and continuing on a journey of love. But that’s not all. These are real men. With real feelings. And real Instagrams.”
Kamil, 30, admitted in his confessional “I never got dumped this hard on a first date. I’m really embarrassed. Like, really embarrassed.” His job was cited as “Social Media Participant”. Dr. Victoria Pennant, a linguist professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, deciphered his liberal use of his job title. “In Bachelor Nation speak, ‘social media participant’ is code for ‘unemployed and not seeking employment’. A contestant with such intentions usually lists an intentionally vague occupation like ‘real estate’, but in this new Bachelor era, contestants aren’t even pretending to have careers anymore. For these types of contestants, the ideal option is obviously to be chosen as the next Bachelor or Bachelorette, but his or her backup option is to remain on the show long enough to gather enough of a fanbase on Instagram so Diff Eyewear and teeth whitening brands will pay for sponsored posts.”
Greg, 27, was particularly upset in his confessional about his franchise aspirations being cut so short. “Man, this sucks. I feel like I’ve really hurt my chances on getting invited to Bachelor in Paradise,” he said, referencing the hit spinoff show where contestants have an opportunity to revive their fifteen minutes of fame. “It’s like, even if I do somehow get invited to Paradise, I’m going to be one of the last to arrive when everyone is already coupled up. And when I walk on the beach with my date card, everyone is going to be like, ‘who even is that?’ I had a shot, and I blew it. Being on Bachelor in Paradise gets you at least 20k more Instagram followers.” Although it remains unconfirmed if Greg ever attended an accredited university, it is clear he has earned an honors degree in Bachelor Franchise Strategy.
A representative for the ABC show when reached for comment said, “The men were so honest. We considered asking more leading questions, but our most recent focus groups conclusively suggest that not a single viewer in our target demographic audience expects or cares if Becca finds love. People only watch to decide which contestants they should follow on Instagram.”
Getting eliminated this early left Darren, a pharmaceutical sales rep, particularly desperate. “I’m just so disappointed with myself. I really didn’t think my journey here would end this early,” he said in his confessional, tearing up. “See, I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep, and I really wanted to make the transition from medical sales to modeling on Instagram. I was banking on staying at least one more episode so my abs would be on TV. It’s going to be really hard to be scouted by a serious agency without making it to a swimsuit group date. Wait…can I show you my abs now? Please don’t edit this part out.”
Darren’s opportunism really paid off in this case. A mere hours after his abs aired on national television, Instagram verified his account as a celebrity figure.