Dear Movies, Can I Borrow Some of Your Cheesy Love Montages for a Second? 

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I can’t lie; my life has lacked romance lately. I feel about as sexual as a cable knit sweater. My biggest turn-ons at this moment include Trader Joe’s Mint Chocolate Ice Cream and Netflix documentaries. My heart has decided to take a much-needed vacation from love, and is enjoying a timeshare in Barbados. I really don’t feel the need to bother her, plus her phone is probably on “do not disturb” anyways, that bitch! But don’t you dare feel bad for me.

In fact, my life is miles away from tragic. In love’s absence, other things have kept me very busy, which is great (no, really)! Being an adult is filled with so much more than love, sex, relationships, and fun dating experiences. Careers are fulfilling in ways relationships can’t compete with. My family is my support system through and through. My friends are way more entertaining than any dude on Tinder right now. Plus, the existential plight of being in your 20’s is basically a full time job!

But here’s the thing; I could use a romantic movie montage or two to see me through this solitary time. You know what I mean…a five to seven minute-long compilation of short, sweet moments a couple in a movie has shared over some period to indicate time passing and intimacy growing. Like clips of couples running through fields, holding hands and laughing. Or a twosome making dinner together each night and laughing as they cut vegetables or make soup. Oh, and ones where the lovers fight and make up, laughing about how foolish they were to argue. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of laughter. I guess when you’re in love, you laugh a lot. One of my favorite examples of a romantic montage is in “The Notebook”. It shows the two lovers, Allie and Noah, enjoying a summer of swimming in local watering holes, fighting over the stick-shift, and Rachel McAdam’s licking ice-cream off Ryan Goslings face. I mean, common!

So hear me out…I would like to have a few of my own montages! Maybe a different montage every day! Can I have the “running with a child-like wonder through apple orchards with a hot man” montage when I am particularly stressed at work? When I am bored on a Saturday night, can I have the “exploring different bars and clubs in a European city with a sexy local whom I just met but is totally trustworthy” montage? It’ll only take like five minutes and then I will return to going to bed before midnight, I promise! If I am cooking dinner by myself at night, let me get a quick “Cute guy thinks I am so charming because I spilled the entire box of uncooked pasta all over the floor, so he grabs me, lifts me up on the counter and kisses me wildly all over the kitchen as the pot of water boils over” montage. I am getting hot just thinking about it!

Also, let me clarify that I don’t want to keep the men associated with my made-up, movie montages once they’re over. No way! I don’t have time for that! I want the five minutes it takes for them to help me relieve some stress, unwind from the day, remind me of my lady-like charm, and then they can go! Poof, back into a movie world where they can’t bother me with relationship crap. It really isn’t that much to ask for. So, just let me know with whom I can speak to about arranging a service like this. It doesn’t have to be that complicated. But I would love Ryan Gosling to be involved, if possible.

Sincerely,

Lonely, (but not THAT Lonely) in Los Angeles

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