So, not to brag, but a lot of guys want to have one-night stands with me.

Something about me makes guys want to invest in a shallow 20-minute conversation at a bar at 3 A.M. and then invite me to their places. I’m not sure if it’s my clearly visible insecurities or my mere existence at the bar during last call that makes me so desirable and/or appear easy.

While I’m super flattered that rando dudes want to get down, I’m just not a one-night stand kind of girl. It’s not that I think I’m better than women who have one-night stands, it’s that I think I’m better than men who have one-night stands, specifically one-night stands with me.

If you want to have a one-night stand with me, you are an idiot. Your lack of judgment is both a serious turn off and quite frankly concerning. You’re lucky that I rejected your lame invitation because according to my horoscope this month I’m looking to cause trouble. You would have known if you hadn’t so rudely forgotten to ask me about my sign.

What kind of trouble? Here is a glimpse into the parallel universe if we had a one-night stand:

• After you fall asleep, I will go through your entire phone. God bless Apple’s thumbprint unlock.

• I’m a light snorer. And not in the cute way.

• The next morning after you go to your job, I will call in sick to work. I’ll pace your apartment’s hallways to meet your neighbors and mailman, introducing myself as your new girlfriend so they will all start asking me you about me.

• While you’re at work, I’ll go through all of your things. I may borrow some stuff I don’t think you need anymore. And when I say “borrow some stuff”, I mean that I fully intend to steal random things from your apartment.

• Since I’m playing hooky anyway, I’ll find and smoke all of your weed.

• Sometimes after I’ve had too much to drink I wet the bed. It’s a rare occurrence, but still a risk that you are just blindly taking on.

• STDs. You didn’t even ask if I had any! I don’t, but why didn’t something more traumatic happen in your past to debilitate your trust in others? Your blatant trust in strangers makes me want to go get an STD just so I can lie about it through omission, sexually transmit it to you, and teach you a valuable lesson.

• I will friend request your mother and siblings on Facebook. I never agreed to the imaginary “it’s casual” contract just because we met after you had five Jack and Cokes.

• I am not on any form of birth control and am pro-life. I do not publicly identify as pro-life because I want to maintain my female friendships, but this is something you should have asked me before we maybe accidentally start a family.

• Leaving jewelry behind so you have to see me again is for amateurs. I will leave behind my work badge, credit card, and phone charger with my initials Sharpied on it. You are not ghosting me, bitch!

• If you do actually want to see me again, I will never text you back. Stop being so clingy!!!!

• My boyfriend will actually murder you. I didn’t forget to mention that I had a boyfriend; you forgot to ask. You really only have yourself to blame here.