Sweetheart, I know you have a lot of questions about us. Your father and I have been holding off until you were old enough, but we’ve decided it’s finally time to tell you the story of how we met, and also the Trump Presidency.
We were nervous about telling you because we didn’t meet in college or at a party like many of your friends’ parents. We actually met on Tinder, which was a service that existed on these things called ‘smartphones’ that allowed people to meet. Some people thought Tinder was trashy, or that it’s not a great way to meet a future spouse, and we didn’t want to have that conversation with you before you were old enough. Also, it’s hard to explain to a 12-year-old how the most democratic country in the world elected a racist reality TV star who ran us into the ground and is the reason we currently live in a cave.
Oh, you want to know more about what smartphones are? Smartphones were a device we used to use that let us get in touch with people who weren’t in the cave with us and also to surf the internet. Of course, this was before we lived in a cave. The internet? I’ve told you about the internet before, haven’t I? Well, back in the olden days, we used to have access to information about other parts of the world. Now we don’t, which isn’t so bad, because following the nuclear debacle of 2019 there’s actually not much going on in the rest of the world I don’t think. Which brings me back to the other sensitive topic we needed to discuss — the Trump Presidency. One morning his Twitter follower-count dropped and he got upset and tried to set off a nuclear bomb in North Korea but did it in Ohio instead. Oh, Twitter? It was another part of this internet thing, but no one liked it that much, because it was mostly just used for announcing our foreign policy to terrorists.
But I digress. Oh, sorry, I mean I got off topic. I forget that kids these days don’t learn words. A lot of people were judgmental about meeting on Tinder back in the day because it was known as a service just to find people to have sex with. Oh, sorry, I should have mentioned — people used to have sex selectively and usually inside. We didn’t just have sex with whoever because there’s nothing else to do when you live in a cave. Well, some of us did — Sheila ‘Gives It Up Whenever’ Clark amiright?! But anyway, one day your father and I saw each other’s profiles on Tinder, and we both swiped right, which means we got matched up. And so we went out on a date to a bar, which is something that existed before the whole Trump Presidency thing, back when we still had buildings. Anyway, we really hit it off, kept dating, and eventually got married and had you! Also, during that time, Trump was elected president due to dumb white people — oh, sorry, white is what we are. It’s confusing now because there’s only us, but once upon a time before Trump there used to be other kinds of people too.
Anyway, we met on Tinder, which used to be embarrassing. I didn’t know how we’d tell our kids, but it got made easier by the radioactive waste that’s rotted all our ears.