By Dan Linley
Bay Area man, Donald R., succumbed to peer pressure on Friday night and approached a woman at a local bar in an attempt to ask her out on a date. Donald, a feverishly shy young man, became overwhelmed by his friends’ chiding about his reluctance to speak to women.
“They just kept prodding me and pressuring me to go talk to this really attractive woman. My friend Brian said that she kept looking in my direction. That seems hardly enough reason to go talk to a girl in a bar. There were so many things in my direction. Who’s to say she was looking at me and not at the upright Donkey Kong game?”
Donald’s associate, Kevin, quipped, “Dude, are you waiting for an engraved invitation? Go talk to her.”
Donald clarified, “Not engraved but some calligraphy would be nice.” Donald has recently sworn off approaching women to ask them out. “It just doesn’t seem to work out for me. I’ve done it six times in my life and it’s never amounted to much. The last time I went up to a girl and tried starting a conversation she said that she, at that very moment, had gotten food poisoning. It’s just too much risk.”
Sociological research has shown that approaching a woman in a social setting can be one of the most challenging things a man can attempt. In a recent double-blind study, conducted by UC Berkeley in association with Popular Mechanics magazine, researchers compiled a list of twenty extremely dangerous activities, including ascending Mt. Everest in a tank top, purchasing any item from IKEA as a wedding gift, admitting you don’t watch “Game of Thrones”, diffusing a time bomb with hands covered in maple syrup, approaching a woman in a bar, and forgetting to bring a parka to any San Francisco beach. Researchers were astounded at the survey results: approaching a woman in a social setting was rated the third most dangerous activity, between listening to your mom talk about sex and performing your own appendectomy.
“I hear women always say that no one ever approaches them in bars; that they just sit there with their friends and wish guys would come over and talk to them. Where are these girls? Do they all hang out at the same bar? Where are the girls that are waiting for me to talk to them? I’ll take an Uber over there right now.”
With the internal and external pressure mounting, Donald decided to approach the woman. Eyewitness reports reveal that Donald did, in fact, approach the woman and started a pleasant conversation. According to ear witness accounts, Donald began a conversation about LIFE cereal and the importance of spoon depth when eating cereal vs. spoon depth when eating soup. The grainy CC video footage seems to show the woman at least somewhat engaged in the conversation, yet Donald eventually wandered back to his friends.
“It seemed to go okay. She did agree that deep spoons are better for cereal than for soup so we have that in common.” Fielding questions from his friends, he continued, “No, I didn’t get her number but I said I’d send her a friend request. Little steps, Brian.”
The woman’s spokesperson, Amber, could not be reached for comment.