My Conversation With Melania’s Disembodied Voice From Her White House Window

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Me: Hello Melania, thank you for speaking with me again. I am glad to hear that you are recovering from your hospital visit.

Melania: Hospital. Be best.

Me: Yes, we will get to your Be Best intia-

Melania: No. Hospital be best.

Me: Yes, of course we will talk about Be Best. Did you work on it during your hospital stay?

Melania: Yes. Stay Hospital.

Me: OK do you mean that while you were at the hospital you worked?

Melania: Hospital. Please.

Me: OK now I think I understand. Staying in the hospital would be best for you.

Melania: Please.

Me: I am sorry but I have no authority in these matters. I am just a writer. Can I ask you more questions?

Melania: Hospital.

Me: I will take that as a it doesn’t matter. So your husband tweeted that you were doing really well and he misspelled your name as Melanie. What did you make of that? Was it just a typo?

Melania: Twitter.

Me: Yes, I am referring to his tweet on Twitter.

Melania: Me. Wife. No?

Me: Yes, you are Donald Trump’s wife.

Melania: Melanie?

Me: No you are Melania.

Melania: No. Melanie be best.

Me: Do you wish to change your name to Melanie?

Melania: Melanie. Wife. Best. Melania no.

Me: Are you saying that it would be best if Donald was not married to you but rather to some other woman named Melanie?

Melania: Please.

Me: Once again, I have zero authority over your life. Do you understand that?

Melania: Help. The help. To help.

Me: I can’t help you. I am only here to interview you. Why is it that we can’t see you from the window where Donald said you were “looking at us”?

Melania: Me. Here. Window. Eyes. Melanie.

Me: OK I guess. Moving on. When will you make a public appearance again? We have not seen you in weeks.

Melania: Yes.

Me: Yes what?

Melania: What?

Me: You just said “yes” when I asked when you will be making a public appearance. Is there a date?

Melania: Brigitte.

Me: Hmmm. Brigitte is certainly not a date. Let’s see. Could you be referring to Brigitte Macron? You two hit it off right? Are you talking about the French First lady?

Melania: Nice. Lady. France. Please.

Me: Are you saying you want to go to France?

Melania: (giggles)

Me: I hear you giggling, what is funny?

Melania: Melania. Joke. I am window.

Me: Hmm. I’m pretty confused. Are you at the window or are you joking about being there? Are you speaking to me from somewhere else?

Melania: (giggles)

Me: I think I get it. You are actually in France right now and someone is holding up a phone to the window.

Melania: No. Please. No Donald. I am window. (A phone begins ringing)

Me: Melania, I hear a phone ringing are you getting a phone call on another phone?

Melania: Please. No. Ughh. (she picks up other phone) Hello. Melania, no here, I am Melanie. Yes Donald. OK fine. I come. (hangs up) Merd! (she begins crying)

Me: Melania, what happened?

Melania: Secret Service. Find.

Me: Oh the Secret Service found you. I guess you gotta go.

Melania: Please.

Me: I’m sorry. I can’t help you. I guess we’ll be seeing you soon. Au revoir!

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