Lies I’ve Been Told In Yoga Class


  • A side twist will detoxify your liver!
  • Putting your foot on your knee will break your knee!
  • Doing headstands is just a matter of concentration! We are all capable of headstands!
  • You’re doing fine!
  • We’re almost done with this pose!
  • Resting is exercise too!
  • The most important pose is savasana!
  • It doesn’t matter what it looks like, it matters what it feels like!
  • Calories aren’t important!
  • Just one more breath!
  • It’s not a fart it’s a queef!
  • Everybody queefs!
  • You won’t die if you go an hour without checking your phone!
  • Focus on your breath and you’ll completely kill your desire to pee!
  • Sometimes, even the yoga instructor falls out of tree pose!
  • You, too, could one day, in the distant, distant future, be good at yoga!
  • No one is looking at your body!
  • All bodies can do yoga!
  • Yoga will solve all your problems!
  • If you hold plank long enough, your student loans will disappear!
  • Two more sun salutations and he will text you back!
  • Your father left you is because you do chaturangas on your knees!
  • Having your feet above your shoulders is the only way to see God!
  • You have to get off your mat, we have another class coming in!


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