It’s Just That Special
Following Trump’s “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” letter to Kim Jong-un last month, the world’s gaze turned from the prospect of peace to the prospect of trading options in a currency that few had heard of until news broke of love lost between the leaders: a coin featuring Donald J. Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un.
Designed by The White House Communications Agency to commemorate the denuclearization summit/non-summit/summit, the $19.95 medallion features the leaders’ jowls in fake platinum, surrounded by olive branches (not unlike those used to fan the flames at the Gaza Border when the US opened a new embassy in Jerusalem in May).
Now, that the Summit is back on for June 12th, the only thing hotter than these coins is the Nobel Peace Prize with Trump’s name on it— secured in Norway, behind steel air-lock doors that can withstand even the furthest-reaching NK intercontinental ballistic missile.
And it’s not just Trump folk who want to get in on the action.
The crème de la finance are setting up trading ops to buy the coins, lending legitimacy to the must-have heirlooms. Analysts report a chilling effect on other markets, as across the asset classes, securities are taking a dive. Even the Bitcoin has lost its virtual luster as the new kid on the block—the Trump/NK Coin—moves from Ebay joke to the proprietary trading desks of Wall Street’s top-tier firms.
Hedge fund managers are now fleeing equity positions, placing all bets on the medallion. Banks are tweaking algorithmic trading strategies to turn a profit at a speed difficult for the human cortex to grasp. Last week, one global money manager rolled out a “Long-Short Trump/NK No-Go Fund;” domiciled in the Cayman Island, it’s already tripled in value, earning a never-before-seen 6th star on a 5-star Morningstar rating system.
Could these round gems spell the end of the existing banking structure? Are holders of the coin poised to become the ultimate power brokers of global finance?
At this writing, Wall Street’s elites are cozying up in leather armchairs in The Grand Havana Room at the Kushner-owned 666 Fifth Avenue building. There, in an ambiance of masculine elegance, they are indulging in cigars, a bit of whiskey and a vision of a New World Order, birthed and powered by the Trump/NK Coin.
The FDIC has issued a formal warning to the holders of the coin, to be on alert from fraud and theft, especially when engaging in financial transactions through e-mail, over the phone or on the Internet. The warning is as follows:
“Secure your coin. Hold it close. Trust no one—not your mother, not your priest, not your financial planner. Should your house crumble, your body give way to hunger…should the Angel of Death knock at your door eager to snatch the Summit/Non-Summit Coin from your shriveled hand: look that fucker in the eye and let him know that you’re taking that piece of tin with you to the grave where it will rest on your eye socket for all eternity because you would never think of parting with it, even it means losing your soul’s passage to the afterlife.”
It’s just that special.
Breaking News: Dennis Rodman has announced he will be traveling to Singapore to support the two world leaders, his trip sponsored by PotCoin, a cryptocurrency used to buy marijuana.