Things Women Would Literally Never Do On The Internet

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Photo by bruce mars on


  • Correct your grammar even though they’ve never met you, and the Oxford comma is up for debate.
  • Email you to suggest additional jokes for an article you wrote for The New Yorker.
  • Call you unfuckable on Twitter. You only have one photo on Twitter! It might not even be you!
  • Argue about why their article wasn’t accepted by your publication.
  • Start a subreddit to make fun of fat people.
  • Threaten you or other women with violence for not wanting to have sex with them.
  • Tell you your Instagram photos mean you’re “asking for it.”
  • Be named Timothy.
  • Make tasteless jokes about the “me too” movement.
  • Send you a 1000-word email with all the information they’ve compiled about you based on your SATIRICAL articles you’ve written that are not even true, and use that information to explain why the two of you should be together. Then, when you send a polite response along the lines of “thank you for reading my work,” send a follow-up 1200 word Facebook message explaining everything that’s wrong with your personality, also based on information they gathered by reading SATIRICAL articles you’ve written that are not even true. Tell you that you led them on by accepting their Facebook friend request even though you accept everyone’s friend request so you can get more people to like your publication’s Facebook page. Call you pretentious for writing an article about college admissions, tell you your SATIRICAL assessment of your appearance is inaccurate, accuse you of only dating men who go to Harvard (which doesn’t even make sense because you’re 27, so you wouldn’t date college students and also Harvard is a 4-hour drive from you), and then say it’s obvious that you’re fat because all your photos are selfies.

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