Things No One Wants To See Me Do In the Shower
- masturbate against orthopedic waterproof back pillow
- fashion pentagram out of strands of my loose hair on wet wall
- apply Vagisil to my sphincter in fear that its pH balance is also off kilter
- brush teeth with simultaneously rubbing ped egg against ashy foot
- shave my pits with oxidized BIC, aggravate ingrown hair
- shave my pubes, add some to hair pentagram art on moldy shower wall
- shave my legs, chip my ankle, bleed profusely for rest of shower
- pee for two minutes straight in slow draining tub
- fish my rusty razor out of urine, blood-filled, hot water pool, now as high my shins
- put shower head in butt, fart against high pressure water stream
- peel off all my nail-polish, put red manicure stubs on wall to spice up pentagram
- fish loose pubes and hair out of filthy hair catcher, let water drain while peeing a second time
- prep for my Stella Adler audition
- recite Shakespearean monologue to showerhead
- do tongue twister as boiling water flows into my mouth, nearly choke
- sing colors of the wind off key on repeat
- challenge myself to freestyle rap battle
- make hostile comebacks at the wall that I was too scared to say in person because I’m a lil’ bitch
- practice asking my parents for money
- go through hardcore list of affirmations while I cry
- make out with own arm and pretend it’s a lover
- make out with own leg and pretend it’s an affair
- make out with own tits and pretend it’s a threesome
- chug four loco to pregame stressful family dinner
- smoke broken weed roach beneath bathroom’s disabled smoke alarm
- have what I think is hot flash
- throw up suddenly on self
- slowly sit down in tub to recover
- pass out unexpectedly
- drown
- die
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Ha! You never know. I don’t think anyone would notice the water-proof orthopedic pillow!
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