Things No One Wants To See Me Do In the Shower

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  • masturbate against orthopedic waterproof back pillow
  • fashion pentagram out of strands of my loose hair on wet wall
  • apply Vagisil to my sphincter in fear that its pH balance is also off kilter
  • brush teeth with simultaneously rubbing ped egg against ashy foot
  • shave my pits with oxidized BIC, aggravate ingrown hair
  • shave my pubes, add some to hair pentagram art on moldy shower wall
  • shave my legs, chip my ankle, bleed profusely for rest of shower
  • pee for two minutes straight in slow draining tub
  • fish my rusty razor out of urine, blood-filled, hot water pool, now as high my shins
  • put shower head in butt, fart against high pressure water stream
  • peel off all my nail-polish, put red manicure stubs on wall to spice up pentagram
  • fish loose pubes and hair out of filthy hair catcher, let water drain while peeing a second time
  • prep for my Stella Adler audition
  • recite Shakespearean monologue to showerhead
  • do tongue twister as boiling water flows into my mouth, nearly choke
  • sing colors of the wind off key on repeat
  • challenge myself to freestyle rap battle
  • make hostile comebacks at the wall that I was too scared to say in person because I’m a lil’ bitch
  • practice asking my parents for money
  • go through hardcore list of affirmations while I cry
  • make out with own arm and pretend it’s a lover
  • make out with own leg and pretend it’s an affair
  • make out with own tits and pretend it’s a threesome
  • chug four loco to pregame stressful family dinner
  • smoke broken weed roach beneath bathroom’s disabled smoke alarm
  • have what I think is hot flash
  • throw up suddenly on self
  • slowly sit down in tub to recover
  • pass out unexpectedly
  • drown
  • die

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