Uber, Do You Love Me Or Are You Just a Fuckboy?


Hey Uber,

I don’t mean to sound all clingy or whatever because I’m normally, like, a super chill girl, but what is going on with us? I really need to know is this relationship all in my head, or are you intentionally leading me on?

I mean, what was up with last night? When I hit you up, you were so eager to meet up right away. You were literally on your way to my place within seconds. I remember being so relieved thinking that you were done playing hard to get.

I got butterflies in my stomach knowing you were coming over and downed a glass of wine to calm my nerves. After about forty-five seconds, I started to get withdrawal from not checking my phone so I checked your status.

“Completing another trip nearby”?! What-the-fuck kind of mind game were you trying to play here? I get that we only just matched, and it would be totally unfair of me to expect you to be exclusive at this point, but what kind of twisted power move are making by flaunting other girls in my face like that?

I was in so much shock I almost canceled. But canceling gave me this vague feeling of letting you win. Which was weird because I would never willingly enter a competition since confrontation gives me anxiety. Anyway, I figured it didn’t matter that I felt defeated, it only mattered if I admitted defeat! Plus, canceling at that point would have charged me $5 (also wtf). And you dropped the other girl off, so you couldn’t have been that into her, right? Knowing you ditched her made me feel like I won some other fictitious competition and made me feel excited for our date all over again.

Unless of course, this mystery passenger wasn’t a woman. Are you gay? My therapist will be so frustrated with my lack of progress if this happens to me again.

When you were 3 minutes away, I went to my elevator to meet you outside. I strategically decided not to bring up the other woman to avoid the fight about if we are or aren’t exclusive since I wanted to maintain plausible deniability regarding our arrangement. But when I went outside to meet you, my phone said you were 7 minutes away?! That’s not how time works! Why were you going the complete opposite direction of where the app was telling you to go? I was standing outside in my heels! Alone! Like an idiot! As if the other woman wasn’t enough of a blow to my self-esteem.

At this point, I convinced myself that you hate me and probably all women. But then you turned back on the expected route. And I already had done all my makeup and walked outside, so what could one more chance hurt?

I thought we hit rock bottom before the date started, but it got worse. You couldn’t even be present for the 1.8-mile ride. You just ignored me, staring at your phone, looking for your next hookup while I was right there. It was so rude! Not to mention unsafe and probably illegal. And you didn’t even have an aux cord! Instead, you subjugated me to listen to your weird ass nighttime radio talk show. How is it possible that you have a higher rating than I do?!

The end of the night is what really confused me. After you dropped me off, you asked me for a tip. Which is just so…intimate. I didn’t realize you could be so vulnerable and open up in that kind of way. People don’t just go around begging people for money! The fact that you felt comfortable enough to ask me means that you really must have felt a deep connection with me. And you know what? I felt it too.

I’m really excited for us to continue exploring this relationship together. Plus, I need a ride to Meghan’s birthday drinks on Thursday and told her I was bringing a date, so…see you Thursday?


Jaclyn Coleman

4.61 stars

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