As a Millennial, I’ve Decided To Get All My News Via Osmosis

group of friends hanging out

I understand that my generation consumes the news a little differently. Gone are the days of gathering around a small radio after dinner and hearing what transpired that day while your dad complains bitterly about burnt pot roast and your mom cries silently in the linen closet. In this day and age, with news coming at us from all directions — Twitter, Facebook, even Tinder if you match with the right people — it can be difficult to figure out where to get that info we need to stay up-to-date on current events. That’s why I’ve decided that from now on, I’ll be getting all my news via osmosis.

Osmosis is a process in which solvent molecules move through a semipermeable membrane into a region that has a higher concentration of particles blah blah blah blah blah. The basic idea is that the molecules just sorta slowly shift into some new. I got a 3 on the AP Bio exam which, in case you’re unaware, is NOT the lowest score. Osmosis means you don’t have to do anything because the molecules just move themselves and get absorbed into something else. That’s how I get my news – by waiting for it to be absorbed.

Osmosis has a number of properties that makes it a great way to absorb the news, especially for millennials. For one thing, you don’t have to read anything. Reading is hard, and millennials don’t have time for it. Ever since Twitter increased its character limit to 280, my eyes have started bleeding every time I open the app. This happens particularly often if it’s immediately following my daily cactus eyelid treatment guaranteed to make me look 7 weeks younger. If only we could also get Seamless through osmosis too — using phones to order take out is so hard!

Osmosis makes sure the news turns into liquid before it’s disseminated into us. Juice cleanse, amiright? I personally don’t eat any solid foods unless it’s Chipotle. Because the news is transported as a liquid, it reaches all parts of our body. If you’re anything like me, you’re sick and tired of news just reaching your brain. I want the news in my chest, my intestines, my liver, and most importantly my bladder so that I can pee it out when I’m done consuming it. Right now, the news just stays in our brains — do you know how frustrating it is to have memories of 1,500 missing children in my brain? I’d love to just fart them out and be done with it.

Only a few changes need to be made in order to start receiving the news via osmosis. First, instead of logging onto a website or turning on your television, you just need to walk outside and stand on the street for a few minutes. Ideally, stretch your arms out so that passersby realize that you’re doing something weird and veer away. You don’t want them halting your process.

Osmosis doesn’t happen in discrete sessions. Instead of getting the news one story at a time, it sort of slowly drips into us all day long. Today, I absorbed the word ‘Melanie’. and then hours later I absorbed the word ‘unconstitutional’. I don’t know if they were related, but who cares? Sometimes, I don’t even get the news in full words but rather as a slow stream of letters and grunts. I was confused about this at first, but then I realized that’s actually how Fox viewers have been getting their news for decades.

I think it’s wonderful that more millennials are receiving the news via osmosis. It’s a great way for us to stay engaged with current events while on the go. I’d actually propose we start electing candidates via osmosis as well. Let’s just put all our candidates in a room together and see which one drips into office first. I can tell you one thing – if the 2016 presidential election had happened through osmosis, Hillary Clinton would be president right now. If there’s one thing literally everyone knows about women, it’s that they drip.

My life has been so much better since I started getting the news via osmosis. For one thing, I started taking Zoloft. Probably the biggest benefit of getting the news via osmosis, however, is that I no longer know what’s going on in the world. I don’t even know what Roseanne tweeted, and it’s awesome. I personally cannot recommend ignorance enough. Was it Nietze who said, “to know nothing is the know the highest joy?” I don’t know — I also absorbed my high school English curriculum via osmosis.

Did you know Generation Z is getting their news via Snapchat? Idiots. They probably have no clue what’s going on.

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