Congratulations — you got the job! After reviewing your resume and work samples and meeting with you the other day, we think you’d be a great addition to the team and we’re so excited to work with you, We’d love to have you start next Monday, if possible. We’ll have a short orientation, then you can get straight to work!
You’re probably wondering about salary. Unfortunately we can’t afford to pay you with money right now, or health insurance, or any other kind of insurance, or a $30 gift certificate for a manicure. We can, however, pay you in cool parties and events. That’s right, once you join our team you’ll have the distinct pleasure of attending many events after work hours, which you will not be paid to attend since getting to attend them is your payment. You’re welcome!
Picture it now: you’re standing in the corner of a rooftop bar, sipping a FREE cocktail (though we do expect you to tip the bartender!), looking around and thinking about how every single other person at this party is the exact kind of Manhattanite you avoid spending time with in your regular, non-work life. Think about it: you’re surrounded by the kind of glamorous people who are happy to be described as “scenesters,” they’re all rushing back and forth to the bathroom (AHEM) and you’re watching them interact (if you can call the way they’re talking at each other interacting) and wondering if human connection is even possible in this crazy world. Envision it: some guy’s talking at you about his startup, which is a device that measures how much your plants grow and you’re trying not to tell him that’s already been invented, and it’s called eyes. Imagine: it’s 11 p.m. and you’re still wearing pants.
Isn’t that exactly the kind of wild New York City life you’ve always dreamed of living, the life you thought about all those days you biked around alone, wondering if there was some world out there — or up there — that you weren’t part of? Oh, you never wondered that? You were actually really happy biking around alone, listening to podcasts, letting the city unfold around you and wash over you, thinking your thoughts? Huh. Let me just check on something…
Oh shit. I just looked at your resume and realized you’re over 30, haha. Whoops! Well, we had to try, right? Obviously there’s no way you’ll ever fall for this shit but we had to try. So, um…good luck finding a real job! One that pays you money and doesn’t punish you by making you attend terrible after-work events with superficial people who wear high heels and talk incessantly about “openings.” With your impressive qualifications, you’ll find one soon!