What Type of Man I Can Tolerate Based On My Mood At That Exact Second

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  • Sad: When I’m sad, I can handle an apathetic fuckboy. I like to crawl into my bed and avoid all contact with the world, so it’s nice when the world is also not trying to contact me.
  • Angry: In a state of anger, I really enjoy a wildly sexist male feminist. There’s nothing better than biting my teeth (metaphorically, sometimes literally) into a hypocritical male feminist. It’s such a rush to tell him that he doesn’t stand for what he thinks he stands for and watch his head explode. His head never explodes. But I sometimes feel empowered on Twitter.
  • Optimistic: When I’m optimistic, the best thing for me is to see a male infant. Or female, just someone who can’t yet speak. That way, I can stay positive about the future.
  • Horny: I like to see my boyfriend when I’m horny, but not really any other time. Timothee Chalamet also works.
  • Pissy: When I’m in a pissy mood and I don’t know why, I like to see really any man, because they’ll ask me if I’m PMS-ing, and then I’ll realize I am PMS-ing, and I won’t worry so much about the pissy mood. Men are always right, isn’t that weird?
  • Tired: When I’m tired I like degenerate pothead stand up comedians because they remind me that I actually have enough energy to get through my day.
  • Hungry: When I’m hungry I LOVE the guys who run Halal carts. Why do no women run Halal carts? I will explore this later.
  • Happy: When I’m happy I can’t really deal with any men because I try to keep my spirit up for as long as possible.

And that’s an exhaustive list of every mood I’ve ever been in!

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