Personality Traits I Developed Upon Getting MoviePass

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  • Incapable of starting any conversation with anything but, “Have you heard of MoviePass?”
  • Suddenly ok with going to the movies alone every night
  • Fine with watching random documentary about a septic tank, alone
  • Happy to be subjected to ambush Q&A while high a f
  • Unable to feel guilty about leaving Phantom Thread 20 minutes in
  • Incapable of being friends with people who do not have moviepass
  • Suddenly riveted by the ups and downs of movie pass as a company, and eager to discuss said ups and downs in every conversation
  • Anxious to watch movies that are seemingly unrelated to any of my interests whatsoever
  • Ok with living off of diet of popcorn, ice cream sandwiches, and twizzlers
  • Ok with writing off said foods on my taxes under “performer research”
  • Unashamed to suggest going to the movies in the face of any conversational lull
  • Cool with signing up for DocNYC Club under several different emails to get free popcorn
  • Fine with being found out by Doc NYC representative, and having to forego said free popcorn
  • Oddly comforted by teenage couples sloppy J.O. session in back row during opening credits
  • Okay with falling asleep publicly in theater
  • Okay with burping and farting midday in theater
  • Okay with masturbating in the back of the theater
  • Okay with fact that movie pass will probably go bankrupt in next few years
  • Fine with milking movie pass for all it’s worth until imminent collapse

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