The Stand-Up Stool’s Lament

child on steel framed stool

I’m the stool at a stand up comedy club, and I’m tired of all the non-consensual sexual attention. Comic after comic comes up and think they can hump me without me giving me fair warning.

I want to be clear — I understand where you’re coming from when you decide to grind your dick up on me. I know that you need to demonstrate to the audience that you’re bad at having sex, and I know you win a lot of laughs with this self-deprecation. But I have to tell you, from the bottom of my heart, the audience already believes you’re bad at having sex. You look like you’d be bad at sex, and it would be enough to just tell them. You don’t need to make me a part of it.

Do you know what I’m there for? I’m not there to receive your cock. I’m not there to hold your beer. I’m not even there for you to sit on. I’m there so that the audience knows you could sit if you wanted to, but you’ve decided to stand. If you think it’s appropriate to sit down during a stand up set, you’re either Marc Maron (he makes it cool), or you don’t know how to read. Maron at least asks permission before he puts his ass on my face, though, which is more than I can say for any of you losers.

I feel like I’ve only addressed this to male comics. I guess I should give a shout out to the female comics who are kind enough to not hump me — I really appreciate both of you!

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