Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!
I’ll just cut right to the chase — I wax my own pussy. Keep scrolling for pictures JK. I’ve been debating whether or not to write about this for a while because while I think it’s important other women know they’re capable of such incredible bravery, some people think it’s…weird. I had a friend in college who was so traumatized by the idea of someone ripping hair off her own vagina that I became ashamed of what is by far the most impressive thing I accomplish every 3-5 weeks.
While I understand where she was coming from, I happen to think having someone else rip the hair off your pussy is much stranger. It’s also about 200 times (no exaggeration) more expensive. When I was young and foolish, I paid a Polish woman $80 to give me a bikini wax. I went to her twice before realizing letting a stranger see all four of my labia just wasn’t for me. I decided there had to be a better way. Some would say the better way is to just not remove your body hair, and I say good for them! I, however, like having a (partially) waxed beaver (I also do my armpits!). The point is — whatever you want to do with your body hair, go for it! Your body, your choice.
However, if you’d rather not pay an exorbitant amount of money to spread your legs in front of a stranger who’s not going to give you a pap smear or make you cum, I’m here to tell you self-waxing really isn’t that bad. In fact, I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t mind it at all. Sure, it’s not my favorite activity, but it barely hurts anymore and gives me a nice window of time to listen to a podcast (I just started The Partially Examined Life because I decided I want to learn more about philosophy. I like it! There’s nothing like contemplating the meaning of life while staring at your own pussy.). It feels important to clarify that I’ve never given myself a full Brazilian (nor would I want to) and am not sure that would even be possible. If you’ve accomplished this truly miraculous feat, however, let me know so I can start your presidential campaign.
Now for my process. When it comes to self-waxing, the most important part is, of course, the wax. I’ve tried many different brands, and the best by far is Gigi. I’ll never use anything else. I recommend starting with the whole kit because it includes a couple of pre-wax treatments (a cleanser and an oil) and applicators. The treatments last a long time though, so you can buy wax solo and applicators as needed. This wax is so good you don’t even need strips. I use the microwave formula and pop it in for 55 seconds to start, then up to 20 more as needed. It’s important to make sure the wax isn’t too hot before you use it, so take it slow and check before you slather it on your most sensitive areas. If you’re worried about burning yourself, many say purchasing a wax warmer and the corresponding wax is safer and more effective, so splurge on that. If you’re microwaving, you may need to warm up the wax once or twice as you go, but don’t blast it for more than 20 seconds at a time.
Particularly if you’re new to waxing, pop a couple of Advil before you begin. Turn on your podcast, take off your clothes (wax is messy!), then start slathering it on and ripping it off! You should always try to apply wax in the direction your hair grows, then rip it off in the opposite direction. For example, since your pubes grow down, apply the wax starting at the top in a downward motion. Wait a few seconds for it to dry (but don’t let it get too dry! 10-30 seconds is usually ideal), then grab hold of the bottom of the strip and rip it up. Especially if it’s your first time, it’ll hurt, but trust me, if you keep doing it, the pain will lessen. It’s best to wax every 3-5 weeks, when the hair’s long enough but before its roots expand, making the process much more difficult and painful.
One of the many benefits of waxing your own puss is that you can remove as much or as little hair as you like. You can just groom your bikini line, do a little more, a lot more or even make a fun shape like Samantha’s lover (ew, sorry, but if anyone had lovers, it was Samantha) did to her in one episode of “Sex and the City” — with a razor, which is completely unrealistic. The point is that when you wax yourself, you’re in control, and that’s powerful. Honestly, waxing makes me feel as powerful as a man because it allows me to shape my very own mustache.
Speaking of razors, the reason I started waxing in the first place is because shaving was way too irritating. Waxing hurts when you’re doing it, but is otherwise a much more pleasant method of hair removal. The hair grows back finer and regrowth doesn’t itch. Of course, there’s still a chance of irritation, especially in the form of ingrown hairs, so I recommend applying Tend Skin for a few days before and after waxing. It stings if you put it on immediately after, but only for a few seconds.
Once you’re done, celebrate! Go to the beach to show off your flawless bikini line, walk around your apartment naked for your neighbors to see, have someone eat you out, etc. Celebrate however you want, just know that you earned it!
Certain aspects of womanhood are miserable. We’re under so much pressure to be perfect, a pressure that extends far beyond but is largely focused on appearance. Every day, we’re told we should be attractive and reminded how limited society’s definition of attractive is: be pretty (whatever that means), be thin, be hairless. Whether you decide to cave to these demands, to be the things you’re told you should be is up to you — remember that. If you, like me, decide to conform in certain ways, own it. Take back the power. Wax your own pussy. Or pay someone else to do it if you’d rather — just know you could do it, if you wanted to.
As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares how much hair is on my pussy. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, bikini wax or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!