Hi, it’s my one year anniversary on the job. After ‘covfefe,’ the White House brought me in to run a spelling and grammar check on the President’s tweets before he sends them out. I know what you’re thinking – I’m not doing a very good job. But please keep in mind that the President doesn’t let me do my job. He shows his tweets to no one before he sends them. So if you think I’m overpaid for a job poorly done, just remember that I’m actually only getting college credit for this.
I had to go through a rigorous hiring process to get this position. First, I took an online quiz where I had to fix the spelling in a series of words commonly tweeted by Trump, including “sad” (sda), “Mexico” (Meksico), “10” (uggo), and “Melania” (Melanie and/or “that bitch”). Next, I had to do an interview with John Kelly in which he asked me why I wanted this position. And then he really dug in and asked again why I wanted this position. Then it got even harder – he asked me why I wanted this position. When I finished the interview, they told me I was the only person who’d applied and offered me the job.
The worst part of this job is knowing that my work is being broadcast to millions of people every day. I’m a shy boy, and I don’t like the limelight. Also, everyone keeps telling me I’m bad at my job. It’s also a real slap in the face to see Obama’s error-free tweets; we get it, you hired an intern from a better school than mine. My mom told me the other day she was disappointed in me and regretted the day I was born. I said “Mom, I know it’s spelled P-E-A-N-U-T-S not P-E-E-N-U-T-S, although to be fair, I think Trump was actually talking about urinating in nuts.
I don’t mean to shit all over this position, though. The President lets me do many other cool things besides spell-checking his tweets. For example, just the other day he asked me if I thought he should nuke North Korea. And I said no, so, you’re welcome, North Korea, and also, everyone. He asks me all kinds of interesting questions like “what do you think of the wall?” and “is Hungary in Europe?” and “how big is my button?” and “what’s your name?” He just doesn’t ask me to spellcheck his tweets, so there’s really nothing I can do.
I’m also getting a lot of real-world experience. Like, I get to see how dysfunctional organizations and governments operate. I get to watch the hiring and firing cycle in action again, and again, and again, and again. I get to see how white people behave in groups. It’s fascinating!
Can somebody impeach him so I can go back to college? I pledged Sigma Nu!