How To Bask “Under The Tuscan Sun” In The Privacy Of Your Own Home

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Have you ever wanted to recover from a bad breakup like Diane Lane’s character Frances in Under the Tuscan Sun but found yourself unable to afford a trip to Italy, buy a villa and build a new life? Same, girl (or boy or person). Same. Fortunately, there are ways you can mimic Frances’s journey of self-discovery even if you can’t afford to rent the movie. Read on for tips on how to recover from heartbreak under the Tuscan sun without even leaving your shitty apartment (no offense).

  1. Pretend You Own It
    Sure, you live in a 10×12 foot room and pay $1000 to a nameless, faceless landlord (who never fixes anything) each month, but that doesn’t mean you can’t turn your tiny dwelling into a real home. Make like Frances, put on a nonsensically flattering boiler suit and try to fix your moldy old tub — just as soon as your three roommates are done with the bathroom.
  2. Drink Wine Alone
    This one should be easy.
  3. Get On Grindr
    It doesn’t matter if you’re not a man — what you need right now is to be surrounded by gay men, and since you can’t afford to drop a bunch of money on cocktails at your local gay bar, much less go on a gay tour of Tuscany, you have to bring them to you. Unless you have a large group of gay friends you can invite over, you better get on the apps and trick some horny men into being your new BFFs.
  4. Stumble Onto Your Balcony In Your Bra
    If you don’t have a balcony, lean out a window.
  5. Meet An Italian Man
    They’re everywhere. It may be hard to find a handsome, charming, sophisticated man like Marcello, but all you have to do is open your eyes and you’ll find a tan guy in a Yankees jersey name Johnny to swipe right on. He’ll never love you as much as he loves his mother, but the red sauce she taught him to make might help you get over the sadness hump.
  6. Make A Vision Board
    It can be entirely comprised of screenshots from the film “Under the Tuscan Sun.”
  7. Wear Linen
    Order a shitload of linen online (try J. Jill and Coldwater Creek). Put it on. Turn on your fan. Feel the breeze through the airy fabric! The best part is, since you’re alone in your apartment (aside from your roommates, but you stopped caring what they thought of you when one asked if she could microwave peas and the other said he didn’t know), you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing you in wrinkled clothes.
  8. Help A Young Polish Man Marry His One True Love
    You can probably do this online.
  9. Befriend An Eccentric British Actress
    You can probably do this online.
  10. Feel Young Again
    Did you realize Diane Lane was in her late 30s when she filmed this movie? Did you, like me, think she was in her late 40s instead? Do you, like me, find yourself creeping deeper and deeper into your 30s with little more than a shrinking checking account and the flatware your mother bought you at the grocery store before you went to college? Are you, like me, starting to be more concerned than flattered when someone thinks you’re 27? If you answered yes to any of the above — you’re doing great! Like Frances, we’re still young and aware that there’s a vast future full of possibility ahead of us. Unlike her, we don’t have to go to Tuscany to figure that out — although if anyone wants to pay for my trip, I’m there.

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