Cup of Bro’s: The Coffee Shop For Regular Dudes (Mostly White)

man holding white teacup in front of gray laptop

Are you a connoisseur of fine coffee but aren’t a far left PC snowflake? Check out Cup of Bro’s, the Coffee Shop For Regular Dudes (Mostly White). We’re not racist, we’re just anti-anti-racist and sexist and most definitely transphobic.

We only have two bathrooms and neither of them has an automatic faucet. Because man was meant to conquer the environment and be able to trim his mustache in a coffee shop bathroom sink without having to wave his hands around every two minutes.

Our baristas may be xenophobic but our coffee selection isn’t. We have beans from all over the world, we just rename them to fit in more with our Wild Wild West culture. [Really underrated movie, btw.] Robusta – we just drop the a, Arabica – more like America (but browner).

There’s only one type of espresso, and it’s not even Americano, it’s every type of espresso mixed together. Because this country is supposed to be a melting pot, isn’t it, and our customers are after maximum caffeine levels and hard workin’ milk shits.

Our menu isn’t just pinto beans, cauliflower quesadillas, and various spreads. It’s hamburgers and hash browns and basically stuff you can get at Huddle House, including coffee. But way more expensive!

Cup of Bro’s is all about the atmosphere, too, unless you’re talking about carbon emissions.

Our stereo system doesn’t regurgitate some generic indie pop playlist – we have outlaw country in the morning and nihilistic doom metal at night. Happy Hour we play a curated selection of Bob Dylan’s most misogynistic songs.

It never gets repetitive. Because there are plenty to choose from.

The flyer board isn’t covered in yoga lessons and bicycle-based social justice initiatives. I mean, we have those, too, we’re a coffee shop, but we also have other things. Such as at least four martial arts classes, full contact, no gi stuff.

You can make Bruce Lee sounds and it won’t be considered offensive. You can make Brandon Lee jokes and everyone will give you a high five. A lot of us went through a goth phase in high school. Check out this knife. Pretty sweet, huh. I need it for reasons.

Trivia Night is Tuesday but it’s all sports except for a little bit War of Northern Aggression. Okay, maybe we’re a little bit racist. But we’re not Nazis. Those guys hang out at the vegan bistro across the street.

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