By Jason Giltner
Have you ever looked at a watermelon and thought it looked like Tom Hanks? Probably not. Watermelons are green and Tom Hanks is more of a light beige.
Help. Please help. They’re holding me against my will. They provide me with shelter and two daily meals, but nothing else. I’m chained to a radiator and forced to write clickbait listicles.
We know what you’re thinking: “flaxseed actually does look a bit like Tom Hanks”. But you’re wrong. Look closer. Each individual flaxseed is too oblong to look like Tom Hanks. Even if you were to gather a large number of flaxseeds and arrange them in the right shape, the variance of flaxseed color would prevent the collective mass from looking like Tom Hanks. His skin is too silky – his aura too wholesome.
Help. Please help. Research suggests that 60% of Americans only read headlines. And 50% only read the opening sentence of listicles like this (my captors included). Please send help immediately. They are holding me at 400 Washington Drive, Suite 350.
3. Stir Fry!
According to gossip websites, Tom Hanks’ favorite food is gyros. Not stir fry. The only main ingredient shared between gyros and stir fry is onions, but onions are in everything. Have you ever noticed that onions are in everything? Below, we go deep into the history of onion farming, how modern agriculture has affected the onion business model, and why, as a result, stir fry cannot possibly look like Tom Hanks.
Please help. Why are you still reading this? Have I not made myself perfectly clear? I’m not sure how much longer I can live under these conditions. They feed me ramen noodles but without the flavor packet. My seat is next to an eastern-facing window – which seemed nice at first – but the left half of my body is now severely sunburned.
4. Skirt Steak!
Skirt steak is generally prepared medium rare and sliced vertically into thin strips. Tom Hanks is not medium-rare red just as he was not watermelon green. He is medium-well at best. Additionally, his entire body is continuous and not sliced vertically in any areas.
For the love of god please send help. I pee in a bucket. A very small bucket. When the bucket fills, I pour the contents out the sliver of open window that I can reach. It’s a messy process. I’m able to get most of the pee out the window without spilling on myself. Most…but not all.
Many people do, in fact, look like asparagus – but not Tom Hanks. For one, Tom Hanks doesn’t have the same ruffled spear look above his shoulders. Nor does he give off a luminous green glow when baked at 400 degrees for six minutes.
Help! Please! This list is getting increasingly difficult to write. It turns out that a lot of foods kind of look like Tom Hanks. Buttered toast. Cashews. Unripened oranges. Pancakes. Fried shrimp. Peanut Butter.
6. Pico de Gallo!
Not only does Tom Hanks not look like pico de gallo, but a friend of mine served Tom Hanks at a Mexican restaurant and said that Tom Hanks specifically requested there be no cilantro in his meal. Apparently, he hates cilantro. Cilantro is one of the main ingredients in pico de gallo, so that must mean something, right?
I don’t even know what to say if you’re still reading this and not contacting the authorities. My captors are increasingly cruel in their treatment. For several weeks they permitted me a cat – for company. I named him Desmond. We grew to be friends. But they took him from me. I suspect it was their plan all along. They aim to break my spirit. I worry they are succeeding.
7. Pistachio Gelato!
Gelato – an Italian-style ice cream made from milk, cream, and sugar – looks nothing like Tom Hanks. Specifically, pistachio gelato looks nothing like Tom Hanks. As was mentioned with watermelon, Tom Hanks is not green, but a light beige. Additionally, while gelato shares the smooth, creamy features of Tom Hanks, the visible density of gelato veers it far from the light, airy features of Tom Hanks.
With God as my witness, these are my final words. My end is near, but I do not despair. I have a lived a good life. A just life. I am at peace with the world. Though I fall today I know others will rise tomorrow. The scourge of pain and misery cannot prevail. IT WILL NOT PREVAIL! The light will always outshine the darkness – the high will always overshadow the low.
I thought of one more food that does look like Tom Hanks. Potatoes – Gold Yukon specifically.