News In Brief: Your Ex Is Fine

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Over the last quarter, your ex is reported to have gone on several dates, got into yoga, and learned to make a really tasty vinaigrette.

The news marks an unexpected turnaround after the last communication between you and your ex at 00.53 AM on a Saturday last month. New data accessed by this publication provides evidence that your ex was really drunk and, honestly, didn’t mean all that stuff about how nice your hair smelled when you slept.

“She’s really happy,” a source close to the ex is reported to have said. “Like, definitely better since you left. She doesn’t even open up your old messages to check if maybe you’ve begged her to come back and she just missed the notification or something.”

“She’s never done that, to be clear.”

She also has a new haircut. It looks great. You would know this if you hadn’t unfollowed her on Instagram.

After the breakup, witnesses described your ex as “a bit of a mess,” “clearly not okay” and “in therapy.” However, she’s recently been observed cooking large batches of food and freezing the leftovers for future meals instead of eating 500g of tomato pasta in one mad self-hating torrent. Could she do that if she was even a little upset about you not loving her at all anymore and probably loving somebody new instead by now?

Projections suggest your ex is on track to meet The One any day now. The graphs just sort of look like one line going straight up, with time on the X-axis and love on the Y-axis, and you on zero or maybe even in negative numbers. You’re a worthless prick, is what the graphs say.

Statistical analysis doesn’t lie — unlike you, when you said you loved her. Anyway, your ex is a journalist now and she’s doing totally fucking fine.

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