What to Do When You Find Out Steve Buscemi is Your Gynecologist

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First thing’s first, congratulations, because you’ve won the gyno-lottery! When the nurse first tells you, “Dr. Buscemi will be in to see you shortly,” you’ll chuckle.  How funny is it that your gynecologist has the same name as one of your favorite actors?  Hey, maybe it’ll be his brother!  Then you hear a knock on the door, and in walks Big Watery Eyes himself.

Do not be alarmed!  Few people know that Buscemi moonlights as a gynecologist, or that he was the on-set gynecologist for The Big Lebowski, or that he got into acting as a resident at Massachusetts General Hospital while examining Glenn Close.  As the story goes, she looked up from the examination table, locked eyes with him, and said, “Hey, kid: you wanna be a star?”

When he walks in the room, remain calm.  Don’t shout: “HEY, THERE’S BIG WATERY EYES!”  His name is Steven Vincent Buscemi, and you will address him as Dr. Buscemi or nothing at all.  He’ll ask you to put your feet in the stirrups, and yeah, you’ll feel weird knowing that the guy who plays Romero in Spy Kids 2 is about to look up your vag, but that’s okay, all his patients think that during their first exam.

When his metal forceps are inside you, do not, and I repeat do NOT ask him which episode of 30 Rock was his favorite to shoot.  Everyone asks him that.  It’s infuriating.  He’s been in SO many things, not just that little Tina Fey project!  Instead, think about asking him, “How do you like this doctoring thing you’re doing?”  Or, “Do you have any costars as patients?” while shooting him a wink and whispering “I’ll never tell.”  But do not ask him to compare your vagina to any famous persons.  A) It’ll make you seem insecure and no one likes a girl with insecurities and B) Yours is probably, definitely inferior.

When you leave the examination, try not to turn back around and quote his infamous line from Reservoir Dogs, “I don’t tip because society says I have to. All right, I mean, I’ll tip if somebody really deserves a tip; if they really put forth the effort, I’ll give ’em something extra,” while handing him a crisp $20 bill.  It is not common practice to tip your doctors, silly.

And do remember to write a thank you note once you get home.  Big Watery Eyes deserves it.

 

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