White House Communications Department
FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION TO THE FAKE NEWS, THE LYING NEWS MEDIA, AND ALL THE HATERS
President Trump has finalized his agenda for his upcoming historic summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki. As the popularly-elected leaders of two of the world’s most respected Democracies, we expect Trump and Putin to present a vision of world peace that you will be powerless to stop.
Helsinki Agenda: July 16-17, 2018
7 AM: Tweet “No Collusion!!!!” four to six times before breakfast.
8 AM: Breakfast buffet featuring Finnish delicacies like Kaalikääryleet, Hernekeitto, and Leipäjuusto.
9 AM: Stop for Egg McMuffin after POTUS refuses to eat at buffet.
9:30 AM: POTUS and Putin share a 30-minute long handshake.
10 AM: Shirtless horseback riding.
12 PM: Lunch at a local McDonald’s.
12:30 PM: Make fun of Angela Merkel.
1 PM: Walking tour of Helsinki. CANCELED.
1 PM: Return to the hotel for Fox and Friends.
4 PM: Call Vlad and see what’s up.
4:30 PM: Bro out with Vlad.
6 PM: Watch pee tape.
6:30 PM: Make racists jokes about Obama while no one else is listening.
7 PM: Dinner with the Finnish President Sauli Niinisto. CANCELED.
7 PM: Dinner at a stranger’s wedding reception in the hotel ballroom.
8 PM: Discuss which parts of Europe will be parts of Russia by 2020.
9 PM: Rewatch pee tape.
10 PM: Get matching tattoos.
11 PM: Invite Vlad back to hotel.
11:01 PM: Hide disappointment when Vlad politely declines to spend the night.
11:30 PM: Return to hotel for ice cream and journaling.
1 AM: Text Vlad “u up?”
7 AM: Apologize to Vlad for texting at 1 AM, then make it up to him by withdrawing from NATO.
9 AM: Hold press conference declaring summit a success. Offer no details.
10 AM: Watch pee tape one more time on way to airport.
11 AM: Wheels up for Air Force One. Be sure to wave goodbye to Finland as you take off, since it probably won’t be an independent country for much longer anyway.