Agenda for the Upcoming Trump/Putin Summit


White House Communications Department


President Trump has finalized his agenda for his upcoming historic summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki. As the popularly-elected leaders of two of the world’s most respected Democracies, we expect Trump and Putin to present a vision of world peace that you will be powerless to stop.

Helsinki Agenda: July 16-17, 2018

7 AM: Tweet “No Collusion!!!!” four to six times before breakfast.

8 AM: Breakfast buffet featuring Finnish delicacies like Kaalikääryleet, Hernekeitto, and Leipäjuusto.

9 AM: Stop for Egg McMuffin after POTUS refuses to eat at buffet.

9:30 AM: POTUS and Putin share a 30-minute long handshake.

10 AM: Shirtless horseback riding.

12 PM: Lunch at a local McDonald’s.

12:30 PM: Make fun of Angela Merkel.

1 PM: Walking tour of Helsinki. CANCELED.

1 PM: Return to the hotel for Fox and Friends.

4 PM: Call Vlad and see what’s up.

4:30 PM: Bro out with Vlad.

6 PM: Watch pee tape.

6:30 PM: Make racists jokes about Obama while no one else is listening.

7 PM: Dinner with the Finnish President Sauli Niinisto. CANCELED.

7 PM: Dinner at a stranger’s wedding reception in the hotel ballroom.

8 PM: Discuss which parts of Europe will be parts of Russia by 2020.

9 PM: Rewatch pee tape.

10 PM: Get matching tattoos.

11 PM: Invite Vlad back to hotel.

11:01 PM: Hide disappointment when Vlad politely declines to spend the night.

11:30 PM: Return to hotel for ice cream and journaling.

1 AM: Text Vlad “u up?”

7 AM: Apologize to Vlad for texting at 1 AM, then make it up to him by withdrawing from NATO.

9 AM: Hold press conference declaring summit a success. Offer no details.

10 AM: Watch pee tape one more time on way to airport.

11 AM: Wheels up for Air Force One. Be sure to wave goodbye to Finland as you take off, since it probably won’t be an independent country for much longer anyway.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s