Fun Family Activities That Enable You To Avoid Ever Having A Real Conversation About Anything Ever

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  1. Puzzles
    It’s a little known fact that puzzles were actually invented to create the illusion of quality time while providing enough of a distraction to avoid saying anything deeper than, “Has anyone seen a blue piece with a little red on it?”
  2. Uno
    Any card game will do, but this one has the added benefit of somehow lasting for fucking ever. It also allows you to work out any aggression you may feel toward a particular family member under the guise of just playing a game. “Oh, sorry dad — I guess you have to DRAW FOUR!!!”
  3. Cooking
    Just cook for everyone. It’ll keep you occupied and them happy.
  4. Pixar movies
    Any Pixar film ensure 1.5 – 2 solid hours of pure, uninterrupted speechlessness. Not only do they completely absorb the children’s attention, certain sequences will mesmerize adults, leaving them standing in the middle of the living room staring at the television, slack-jawed and blank-faced, the toys they were just tidying up dangling limply from their hands.
  5. Children
    If you want to ensure the adults in your family never form a real connection, have children. Once there are kids around, everyone will be too focused on the them — with all their complaints and misbehaviors, their daily victories both small and large, their pure desperation for attention — to ever have a real conversation again. Children are human puzzles, putting themselves together one small piece at a time then tearing it all apart in a low blood sugar-induced late afternoon rage. They keep us together while ensuring we’ll remain far apart, at an emotionally safe distance, at least until they fail out of college.

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