How We Tweet The People We Love

coffee smartphone twitter application

I’ve gotten fully addicted to Twitter in the last year. The notifications give me a sense of satisfaction I could never get from a man, not least of all because I scroll my Twitter while I’m masturbating. Recently, however, I’ve run into trouble when I want to tweet about a guy I know, and I worry he’ll see it on Twitter.

I’m a comedy writer, and a lot of my tweets and jokes are about dating and sex. I’m not sure how this got to be the case — I don’t actually have all that much sex, I think I just wanted to tell the world I get laid sometimes! But not, like, that much. Anyway, I’m a freelance writer and a little horndog so I spend most of my day lying in bed reading the New Yorker or thinking about sex. So a lot of my tweets are about men, and I run the risk of driving them away.

To deal with this, I’ve created a test to help me assess if a tweet is “good-to-go” or if it’s going to ruin my love life. Twitter can be a great tool to convince someone you’re seeing that you’re definitely not hung up on him and, in fact, are totally dating other people, but it can also be dangerous. If the tweet fails the test, I don’t tweet it. Before I begin, I should caveat that this strategy has not worked for me, nor will it work for you. Part of the problem is that even if my tweets fail the test, I still like to try posting them anyway because if a tweet gets, like, 4 likes in less than a minute, then maybe it’s worth keeping up anyway. The name of the game is plausible deniability — you just have to tweet stuff that could allegedly be about anyone.

 

  1. Does this tweet use the man’s first name? If yes, is the first name sufficiently generic (Alex, Ben, Winston), to plausibly pretend that two Brett’s came on your face in the last week?
  2. Is he your boyfriend? Is he your only boyfriend? If he’s not your only boyfriend, does he know that?
  3. Are you tagging him in it?
  4. Has he complained in the past that you put pictures of him sleeping in his Instagram story?
  5. Is he a whiny little bitch?
  6. Would you consider yourself “in love” with him?
  7. Will the tweet likely get fewer than 8 likes?
  8. Is your tweet even funny lol are you funny does anyone think you’re funny hahaahaaa is comedy the right profession for you, Ginny?
  9. Are you going to run into him in the next 6 hours?
  10. Is he your employer?

 

If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of the questions above, you should probably not send that tweet. That said if you think the tweet could go viral, throw caution to the wind! I always do, and I’m proud to report that I’m very single and have had exactly 1 viral tweet.

 

The great assurance, after all of this, is that no one I’ve ever dated follows me on Twitter.

 

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