Special Instructions on Seamless Orders From an Environmentally Cognizant Individual

sliced cheeseburger


Thursday, May 24 at 7:18 P.M.

Dear Avocado Grill,

I wanted to use this “special instructions” box for my Seamless order to warn you I can rather particular about how I request my food. But it comes from a good place: my whole life I’ve been terrified the earth will implode because of the waste we contribute. So when I make strange requests to omit certain disposable items, I hope you don’t think I’m being rude or difficult; I’m just trying to save our beautiful green(ish) earth.

Also, as regards this order, can I get some extra ramekins of blue cheese and ranch dressing? I like to mix them (lol weird I kno) but keep them in separate containers so I can mix them fresh. In order to tell which dip is which, just put the blue cheese in individual paper bags. (Cuz those are the recyclable ones.) Thank you!

Monday, May 28 at 8:02 P.M.

What a long night of work to prevent the melting of polar ice caps! Can you put my fries in Styrofoam instead of cardboard this time? It keeps the grease from seeping through. The ducks in our ecosystem thank you.

Wednesday, May 30 at 6:49 P.M.

Do you have biodegradable cartons? If not, Styrofoam worked great last time. And do you sell reusable forks? (Probably not, right?) You are TOO good to me.

Thursday, May 31 at 11:02 A.M.

Your Caesar salad is TO. DIE. FOR. But last time the dressing leaked out. Can you wrap it in cellophane and throw in some extra napkins just in case? Thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the turtles I’m working to un-suffocate.

Thursday, May 31 at 4:14 P.M.

Just 72 cans of soda (assorted). Partying with the Young Environmentalists of Springfield! U kno me, no straws.

Saturday, June 2 at 1:29 P.M.

One Vegan Choco-Nut Protein Smoothie BUT sub coconut milk for almond milk. (Almonds take a lot of water to produce.) Just a few straws, please. PS Have you guys considered offering that pea-based milk?

Monday, June 4 at 7:41 P.M.

I know I selected the party platter of mozz sticks but can you pack it in five single-serving containers? Gonna make it last for my lunches this week. I’m consulting at different businesses, and there are so few food options for someone participating in Meatless Monday near the Exxon headquarters. Extra plates and napkins please, haven’t had time to shop or do dishes. THANKS!!!

Wednesday, June 6 at 8:44 P.M.

I’m so busy restoring the color of the local waterfalls to their natural brown I DON’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO RECYCLE. So for the steak strips, I will pay my penance and eat them with my hands—NO FORKS PLEASE!!!! For the fettuccine alfredo, sporks if you have them, forks if not. For the soup, extra forks.

Thursday, June 7 at 7:02 P.M.

Just want to be clear, I WOULD tell you to spare the plastic bag, but I use those for cat litter so can you triple-bag this order? Thank YOU!!!!

Friday, June 8 at 5:58 P.M.

I’m sure you see that this current order is blank—I’m on a hunger strike to end elephant apartheid. But I wanted to see if you’d just deliver a couple hundred of those tin foil containers so I can make noise-makers for a rally tomorrow.

Saturday, June 9 at 8:51 P.M.


Sunday, June 24 at 10:24 A.M.

Sorry I haven’t ordered for so long. But—and I’m just saying this for the sake of your business—I was kinda disinterested in your takeout after I realized I can get a McDonald’s quarter-pounder wrapped in less paper. Maybe think about rebranding? Nevertheless, I’m hungover so all that bacon I just ordered from you is for real. Could you drive it over in the van? When you bike it gets cold.

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