A Medical Questionnaire That Better Represents My Illnesses

person using black blood pressure monitor

  • Have you ever thought you had diabetes?
  • Have you ever thought you had leukemia?
  • Have you ever truly believed you were having a stroke?
  • Have you ever known for sure that you had prostate cancer only to later be informed that you don’t have a prostate?
  • Have you ever blacked-out, alcohol-related reasons included?
  • Have you ever been unable to swallow because you got too stoned?
  • Have you been to the ER in the past year and been told it’s just acid reflux?
  • Have you ever believed your acid reflux was esophageal cancer?
  • Have you ever thought you were having a heart attack only to realize later you just hadn’t been jogging in a few months?
  • Have you ever been so convinced you had a brain tumor that you started telling exes all your crazy texts were a result of a brain disease?
  • Do you have any family history of members of your family telling you you’re a hypochondriac?
  • Do you watch too much Grey’s Anatomy?
  • Do your friends tell you to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy, not because of the hypochondria but because it hasn’t been good in a decade?
  • Do you remember that even though literally half the characters on that show get a brain tumor, they all survive it, so you don’t even have to worry. The only reasons people die on that show are car accidents and plane crashes, which aren’t anything you’d show symptoms of.
  • Do you struggle with what you would consider very reasonable anxiety?
  • Do you feel guilty for taking up medical resources that should be used on people who are actually sick?
  • Do you have a constant dread of turning 26 and going off your parent’s health insurance?
  • Do you think your problems could be solved with meditation and the tiniest amount of perspective?
  • Do doctors frequently ask if you have a psychiatrist?
  • Do doctors seem to think you’re annoying?
  • Can I give you a Xanax and tell you to get the hell out of my office?

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