Life Hacks For The Insufferably Lazy Millennial


Do you hate showering? 

Avoid it. Run through a playground sprinkler every couple weeks or wade in a public pool.

Do you hate brushing your teeth? 

Use your tongue to brush your teeth. It’s the strongest muscle in your body.

Do you hate shaving?

Never shave and claim feminism.

Do you hate waiting line at supermarkets?

Steal and get out of there.

Do you hate cooking the food you stole?

Eat those meats, greens, and cheeses raw and hope for the best.

Do you hate having to chop the carrot you stole for your sad homemade salad?

Use your teeth. Bite a piece off that carrot and spit it into a bowl. Bam! Your salad’s ready.

Do you hate laundry? 

Febreze everything you own. When that doesn’t cover the smell of your rancid sweat, buy a brand new shirt or steal some pants from a friend.

Do you hate folding?

Don’t bother! Put all of your dirty clothes in a garbage bag and stuff them into your closet.

Do you hate organizing your room?

Burn stuff that you don’t know what to do with and claim minimalism.

Do you hate washing dishes?

Use your bedsheet as a dish, and never wash that either.

Do you hate making your bed?

Sleep on your bare mattress or better yet, use your mattress to throw crap onto and sleep on the floor.

Do you hate organizing important mail?

That’s what a dilapidated catch all cardboard box is for.

Do you hate paying taxes?

Ask your dad to do it.

Do you hate paying rent?

Ask your mom to do it.

Do you hate calling your parents?

Not to worry. They don’t like hearing from you either.

Do you hate going to work?

Get fired and get that unemployment.

Do you hate admitting that you’re unemployed at parties?


Do you hate reaching out to your friends? 

Don’t bother. You have Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu.

Do you hate dating people? 

Chat with strangers on Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Pure, and once they bore you, ghost them.

Do you hate having exhausting sex with people?

Sex toys, robots, and pornhub, oh my!

Do you hate the depression you feel post orgasm? 

Edge until you die.

Do you hate being sad? 

Vape all day.

Do you hate being paranoid from vaping? 

Xanex all day.

Do you hate talking about your emotional problems with people? 

Chat with strangers on Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Pure, and tell them all about it.

Do you hate debating about politics in person? 

Become an internet troll.

Do you hate playing sports and games with others? 

That’s what candy crush is for.

Do you hate talking? 

That’s what twitter’s for.

Do you hate listening to actual people talk? 

That’s what podcasts are for.

Do you hate hearing about other people’s days?

That’s what instagram story is for.

Do you hate reading? 

That’s what facebook is for.

Do you hate thinking?

That’s what youtube is for.

Do you hate doing anything literally ever? 

In this day and age, you don’t have to.


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