Famous Poets Reimagined As Complete Douchebags

photography of opened book
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Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Lunch

Because I could not stop for lunch –
I had my assistant get for me –
A smoothie with nothing –
But almond milk and acai.

I slowly drank – It had no taste
I remembered I hid away
All the Xanax that morning,
So that my son would not steal from me –

Passing out samples at the co-op
One shift was enough – for me
At Bikram – feeling the sweat sting
NYU students passed us by – leering

Or rather – we passed them
Sweat dripping down the bridge of my nose –
Well used in college
I look good for 47 damnit


Edgar “Alt-Right” Alan Poe

The Rally 

Once upon a Trump rally cheering, while I moshed drunk and bleary,
Angry over a vague number of immigrants at our shores—
While I head-banged, nearly snapping, suddenly there came a rapping,
As if Limp Bizkit was on my dorm room floor.
“‘Tis only an incel, near the back, by the gymnasium door­­–
Only this and nothing more”

Ah, so clearly, I remember it was a joyous November;
And each red Maga hat was thrown high before it hit the floor
I could not wait for tomorrow– eager for the Hillary sorrow
Listening to Limbaugh, who kept me going, all this hatred,
he was sewing
Lock her up and shut the door.

In unison, we all chanted. “The new world order had been planted.”

“Quotas for immigration. It is your fault that you are poor!”


Robert Frosted Tips

Stopping by an Applebees on a Snowy Evening

Whose Oakleys these are I think I know
He is in the bathroom though
He will not see me hovering here
Filling up his glass with house merlot

My assistant manager must think its weird
To suggest that a table not try the beer
Between Christmas and New Years Eve
The loneliest time of year

He gives his penis a little shake
So when he returns to the table there’s no lake
A sound arises- the fire alarm’s beep
In the kitchen there was a mistake

The Oakleys are badass, tinted and sleek
Through the side door, I will sneak
And miles away I will drive in my Jeep
And miles away I will drive in my Jeep

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