1. Mary, 25
Your mom’s boss
Bitch Ass University
Full sociopath looking for a big balled champ to dump her unmanageable personality on. I’m down to eat Mcnuggets in a brownout while watching you play bball with your buddies, game to slurp on a 7/11 rum slushee while you’re on the phone with your son, and am insistent on meeting your mom right away. In bed, I’ve been called both, “Lord Voldemort,” and “Interchangeable white lady.” Afraid of travel. Wary of fitness. Good vibes ONLY (if I’m on my death bed). Let’s talk cutie!
2. Leslie, 30
Charmed University, TNT
Soulless wiccan whore looking for a guy with no personality and a tight six pack. If you think your ex had daddy issues, just WAIT until you meet ME. Food and wine, a no no. Psychopathic tendencies and criminal suspicions, a must. My last bf was a nomadic magician with bipolar disorder and I’m still recovering from his disappearance. (Stoner/sorceress) Get at me boyz.
3. Fortune, 167
Long Time Ghost
Maladjusted feminine specter looking to haunt your bachelor pad. I enjoy knocking martini glasses over while you pleasure yourself to ethically questionable porn, eerily moving your personal semen sock from your nightstand to your pillow while you’re at work, and manifesting as your most recent ex-girlfriend Priscilla at 3 AM at the edge of your king size bed. Don’t bother turning on your AC as you penetrate meaningless lady after lady to fill the void within, as I will be pleased to breathe down both your necks and thus incite a goosebumpy breeze while you both fuck. I’m kind of a night-owl, fond of threesomes, and 4/20 friendly (as I’m more likely to be visible while you delve into an unshakeable paranoia.) Check out my instagram @fortuneisdead. Sneak preview; it’s a series blank white squares. Smooches bitch.
4. Maria, 29
Fortune 900?? Company CEO
Masters of Business Adminstration in Trapping your ass
Hi there, I’m Maria, and I’m gonna trap your unsuspecting ass. Your profile says you’re averse to anything serious, but I imagine that will change when you lay eyes on my muscular physique, sleek bun, and fluorescent orange business suit. I’m an international businesswoman who closes million dollar deals so hard you’d think the deal was your fully erect dick, but it’s not. It’s an advanced corporate merger and acquisition you’ll never understand, you fiscal weakling. But it’s okay, you’ll end up falling in love with me the second we go to a sleek martini bar happy hour. If you’re taller than me I’ll end you. I only operate sexually if I feel like an Amazonian goddess. Let’s chat.
4. Tatiana 41
Cross Fit Enthusiast/Entrepreneur
College is for LOSERS
Highly judgmental, physically flawless lady looking for a man to be extremely impressed at everything I do, namely, lift heavy barbells while grimacing and nearly pooping. If you can’t handle my full paleo diet then you’re dead to me. If you can’t run 6 miles at 5 mph without getting winded, you’re also dead to me. I’m unimaginably sweet and I only bang on top while violently grunting. REACH OUT. Extreme sports enthusiasts ONLY.
5. Ashley, 80
Older than your dead grandma
Sarah Lawrence, first year it opened
Husband is long deceased from emphysema. Need a good night of lovin’ from a potentially dumb youngin’. I’ll take you out to chinese and/or indian, as long as we can bring my catheter. Think Harold and Maude except I don’t die and I pay you to make love to me. If you’re interested please contact my granddaughter who forced me to get this account. Thanks Katie!
6. Brigid, 30
Self diagnosed Depressive
State school idk got kicked out for medical leave never went back…
Please don’t make me meet your friends. Let’s just hold each other in a dark room. U down bro? Love 2 cry.
7. Cassandra, 100
Phi Beta Kappa Greek Ho
Clairvoyant enough to know you’re gonna break up with me! Get at me though, still down to suffer.
8. Tiffany, 22
Afraid to leave my dorm, will you come to me? Agoraphobic but willing to fall in love with you and only you if you promise NOT LEAVE MY SIDE. xoxo.
9. Fiona 30
Unwilling to ever meet you in person, but highly interested in a virtual relationship that ends with you ghosting me and screencapping our threads to show your friends how “cray” I am.
10. Woman, ageless, timeless
School (of Hard Knocks of Being an ageless, timeless Woman)
I’m a WOMAN, isn’t that enough for you !?!?! Kisses.