Health Watch: How To Diagnose “Local Twitter”

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Today we’re investigating a growing epidemic known to researchers as “Local Twitter.”

Just what is “Local Twitter”? Think of it as being “basic” on the internet. Or being the kind of person who posts earnest things to social media’s least-earnest platform. Or maybe they’re just the kind of person who likes CBS procedurals and 13 Reasons Why and isn’t afraid to tell you about it.

In many ways “Local Twitter” is similar to “being a 40-year-old mom on Facebook.” However, experts warn that “Local Twitter” is a far more insidious disease that can afflict people of any age. So we consulted the internet’s finest doctors to come up with this list of warning signs.

If you or a loved one exhibits any of these symptoms please immediately unfollow them and consult a social media professional.

14 Tell-Tale Signs That You Have “Local Twitter”:

  1. You still post to Twitter instead of taking screenshots of Tweets and posting them to Instagram.
  2. You @ reply to people you’ve actually met in the real world instead of only replying to celebrities who share your beliefs, strangers who don’t, and Russian trolls.
  3. You have willingly used the acronym “PSL” in a tweet about a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
  4. You have willingly tweeted about a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
  5. @Starbucks has favorited at least one of your tweets.
  6. Your Twitter name is your real name instead of “Abolish ICE” or “Daddy No.”
  7. More than 10 percent of your posted photos are of food.
  8. You have posted (or have seriously considered posting) cryptic song lyrics.
  9. There are tweets discussing your “mood.”
  10. You tweet at brands for actual customer service needs instead of tweeting at them ironically or in protest.
  11. You still think there are actual humans on Twitter.
  12. When was your last tweet? Did it mention Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez? No? Then you definitely have Local Twitter.
  13. You still capitalize the first letter of proper nouns.
  14. If given the opportunity to go back in time and destroy Twitter before it was ever created you wouldn’t.

Again, if any of these symptoms describe you or a loved one you should immediately delete the Twitter app from your phone and download Pinterest. That’s where monsters like you belong.

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