Every Shopper down in Capitalist America liked Amazon Prime Day a lot
But the Socialist Bernie Sanders who lived north in Vermont did NOT!
The Bernie hated Amazon Prime Day, the Whole Shopping Season!
Now, please, don’t ask why, you’re too materialistic to understand the reason.
It could be his pockets were too light from no cash.
It could be, perhaps, that he had smoked too much hash.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that he didn’t want to support an evil corporation that stamped out businesses large and small.
But he knew every Shopper down in Capitalist America beneath
Was busy now filling their carts with Christmas wreaths.
“Christmas isn’t for 5 months, they buy too much shit!
Tomorrow is Amazon Prime day – I’ll put an end to it!”
Then he growled, with his Bernie voice growling and gritty
“I MUST find some way to stop Amazon, before they get to Long Island City!”
“I know just what to do!” The Bernie laughed with a hack,
“To stop Amazon from running – I’ll launch a cyber attack!”
He didn’t even know how to use an iPhone, but he could learn
After all, he’d made millions of young white guys Feel the Bern
And his campaign did ok without funds from large corporations
“Ok” is an exaggeration, but still, he could stop the Amazon Nation
He wrote code in C++, Ruby and Python
I’d give you the details, but I don’t know them, and it’d make you yawn
So July 16th, it then rolled around
And he launched his cyber attack and prayed no profits would abound
And the Bernie succeeded – his cyber attack went through
While the outage only lasted a minute or two
That Amazon has huge teams of people who protect it wasn’t something the Bernie knew
Even though it would have been obvious if he’d Googled, but that’s not something he’d do
But the Bernie thought it’d be enough to stave off some Shoppers – quite a few
And the Bernie smiled gleefully to himself – he had won
But then he heard something that couldn’t be undone
All the Shoppers on Amazon who couldn’t log onto the site
Well, it turns out Walmart.com had done something about their plight
For July 16th, Walmart had also promised free shipping
To keep up with Amazon and get Shoppers double-dipping
So the Shoppers down in Capitalist America, the Upper Middle Class and up
Kept shopping all day — they weren’t down in the dumps!
The Bernie hadn’t stopped Amazon Prime Day – it came
And they bought useless trinkets and fly-swatters all the same
Somehow or other, Prime Day came just the same
And then Bernie, with his socialist-ideals burning-hot in July
Stood puzzling: was there a reason his promises didn’t quite fly
“It came without Amazon. It came without prime.
It came without Jeff Bezos, one-click-delivery, or this poem that doesn’t really rhyme.”
And he puzzled for hours til his puzzler was sore
Then the Bernie thought of something he hadn’t before
“Maybe greed doesn’t come from a site,
Maybe materialism is something that’s harder to fight”
And what happened then? Well, in Capitalist America they say
That the Bernie’s tendencies to decry wealth and Walmart went away
And his many young white male fans in plaid — their support was less hearty
It sucks to no longer be the face of the left-most wing of the Democratic party
It seemed like the Bernie’s will-power didn’t stray strong
The corporate campaign contributions – maybe taking them wasn’t quite so wrong
And the minute his pockets didn’t feel quite so light
Well, he went on to Amazon.com and ordered himself a new bike!