How The Bernie Stole Amazon Prime Day



Every Shopper down in Capitalist America liked Amazon Prime Day a lot

But the Socialist Bernie Sanders who lived north in Vermont did NOT!

The Bernie hated Amazon Prime Day, the Whole Shopping Season!

Now, please, don’t ask why, you’re too materialistic to understand the reason.

It could be his pockets were too light from no cash.

It could be, perhaps, that he had smoked too much hash.

But I think the most likely reason of all

May have been that he didn’t want to support an evil corporation that stamped out businesses large and small.

But he knew every Shopper down in Capitalist America beneath

Was busy now filling their carts with Christmas wreaths.

“Christmas isn’t for 5 months, they buy too much shit!

Tomorrow is Amazon Prime day – I’ll put an end to it!”

Then he growled, with his Bernie voice growling and gritty

“I MUST find some way to stop Amazon, before they get to Long Island City!”

“I know just what to do!” The Bernie laughed with a hack,

“To stop Amazon from running – I’ll launch a cyber attack!”

He didn’t even know how to use an iPhone, but he could learn

After all, he’d made millions of young white guys Feel the Bern

And his campaign did ok without funds from large corporations

“Ok” is an exaggeration, but still, he could stop the Amazon Nation

He wrote code in C++, Ruby and Python

I’d give you the details, but I don’t know them, and it’d make you yawn

So July 16th, it then rolled around

And he launched his cyber attack and prayed no profits would abound

And the Bernie succeeded –  his cyber attack went through

While the outage only lasted a minute or two

That Amazon has huge teams of people who protect it wasn’t something the Bernie knew

Even though it would have been obvious if he’d Googled, but that’s not something he’d do

But the Bernie thought it’d be enough to stave off some Shoppers – quite a few

And the Bernie smiled gleefully to himself – he had won

But then he heard something that couldn’t be undone

All the Shoppers on Amazon who couldn’t log onto the site

Well, it turns out had done something about their plight

For July 16th, Walmart had also promised free shipping

To keep up with Amazon and get Shoppers double-dipping

So the Shoppers down in Capitalist America, the Upper Middle Class and up

Kept shopping all day — they weren’t down in the dumps!

The Bernie hadn’t stopped Amazon Prime Day – it came

And they bought useless trinkets and fly-swatters all the same

Somehow or other, Prime Day came just the same

And then Bernie, with his socialist-ideals burning-hot in July

Stood puzzling: was there a reason his promises didn’t quite fly

“It came without Amazon. It came without prime.

It came without Jeff Bezos, one-click-delivery, or this poem that doesn’t really rhyme.”

And he puzzled for hours til his puzzler was sore

Then the Bernie thought of something he hadn’t before

“Maybe greed doesn’t come from a site,

Maybe materialism is something that’s harder to fight”

And what happened then? Well, in Capitalist America they say

That the Bernie’s tendencies to decry wealth and Walmart went away

And his many young white male fans in plaid — their support was less hearty

It sucks to no longer be the face of the left-most wing of the Democratic party

It seemed like the Bernie’s will-power didn’t stray strong

The corporate campaign contributions – maybe taking them wasn’t quite so wrong

And the minute his pockets didn’t feel quite so light

Well, he went on to and ordered himself a new bike!


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