Every Shopper down in Capitalist America liked Amazon Prime Day a lot
But the Socialist Bernie Sanders who lived north in Vermont did NOT!
The Bernie hated Amazon Prime Day, the Whole Shopping Season!
Now, please, don’t ask why, you’re too materialistic to understand the reason.
It could be his pockets were too light from no cash.
It could be, perhaps, that he thought we already had enough in our stash.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that he didn’t want to support an evil corporation that stomped on honest businesses large and small.
But he knew every Shopper down in Capitalist America beneath
Was busy now filling their carts with Christmas wreaths.
“Christmas isn’t for 5 months, they buy too much shit!
Tomorrow is Amazon Prime day – I will put an end to it!”
Then he growled, with his Bernie fingers raising funds for Planned Parenthood
“I MUST find some way to stop Amazon, for it does no good!”
For tomorrow, the Shoppers rich and richer, would sit down at their laptops.
And they’d click, and they’d click, and they’d click click non-stop.
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
They’d click on electric mixers and pillows and maps that point East
Which was something the Bernie couldn’t stand in the least
And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Ever Shopper down in Capitalist America, the rich in their Wall Street halls
Would get on their computers and log onto Facebook
And post about how many steals from Amazon they took!
They’d post, and they’d post, and they’d post!
POST! POST! POST!
“I know just what to do!” The Bernie laughed with a hack,
“I’ll stop Amazon from running – I’ll launch a cyber attack!”
He didn’t know how to use even a microwave but he could learn
After all, he’d unexpectedly made millions of young white guys Feel the Bern
And his campaign did ok without funds from large corporations
It was only right that he should launch a DoS on the Amazon Nation
He wrote code in C++, Python, and Ruby
And, like the bros of Silicon Valley, he did it all while smoking a doobie
So July 16th it did roll around
And he launched his cyber attack and knew no profits would abound
And the Bernie succeeded – his cyber attack went through
While the outage only lasted a minute or two
The Bernie knew it’d be enough to stave off some Shoppers – quite a few
And the Bernie smiled gleefully to himself – he had won
But then he heard something that couldn’t be undone
All the Shoppers on Amazon who couldn’t log onto the site
Well, it turns out Walmart.com had done something about their plight
For July 16th, Walmart had also promised free shipping
To keep up with Amazon and get Shoppers double-dipping
So the Shoppers down in Capitalist America, the Kochs and the Trumps
Kept shopping all day — they weren’t down in the dumps!
The Bernie hadn’t stopped Amazon Prime Day – it came
And they bought useless trinkets and fly-swatters all the same
Somehow or other, Prime Day came just the same
And then Bernie, with his socialist-superiority-complex burning-hot in July
Stood puzzling: was there a reason not even the Democrats had made him their guy?
“It came without Amazon. It came without prime.
It came without Jeff Bezos, one-click-delivery, or ads targeted to the nines.”
And he puzzled for hours til his puzzler was sore
Then the Bernie thought of something he hadn’t before
“Maybe income inequality doesn’t come from a site,
Maybe materialism is something that’s harder to fight”
And what happened then? Well, in Capitalist America they say
That the Bernie’s tendencies to rally and decry wealth went away
Even though he’d told supporters his revolution would go on
It seemed like the Bernie’s will-power didn’t stray strong
And the minute his pockets didn’t feel quite so light
Well, he went on to Amazon.com and ordered himself a 3rd Kite!