How The Bernie Stole Amazon Prime Day

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Every Shopper down in Capitalist America liked Amazon Prime Day a lot

But the Socialist Bernie Sanders who lived north in Vermont did NOT!

The Bernie hated Amazon Prime Day, the Whole Shopping Season!

Now, please, don’t ask why, you’re too materialistic to understand the reason.

It could be his pockets were too light from no cash.

It could be, perhaps, that he thought we already had enough in our stash.

But I think the most likely reason of all

May have been that he didn’t want to support an evil corporation that stomped on honest businesses large and small.

But he knew every Shopper down in Capitalist America beneath

Was busy now filling their carts with Christmas wreaths.

“Christmas isn’t for 5 months, they buy too much shit!

Tomorrow is Amazon Prime day – I will put an end to it!”

Then he growled, with his Bernie fingers raising funds for Planned Parenthood

“I MUST find some way to stop Amazon, for it does no good!”

For tomorrow, the Shoppers rich and richer, would sit down at their laptops.

And they’d click, and they’d click, and they’d click click non-stop.

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

They’d click on electric mixers and pillows and maps that point East

Which was something the Bernie couldn’t stand in the least

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!

Ever Shopper down in Capitalist America, the rich in their Wall Street halls

Would get on their computers and log onto Facebook

And post about how many steals from Amazon they took!

They’d post, and they’d post, and they’d post!

POST! POST! POST!

“I know just what to do!” The Bernie laughed with a hack,

“I’ll stop Amazon from running – I’ll launch a cyber attack!”

He didn’t know how to use even a microwave but he could learn

After all, he’d unexpectedly made millions of young white guys Feel the Bern

And his campaign did ok without funds from large corporations

It was only right that he should launch a DoS on the Amazon Nation

He wrote code in C++, Python, and Ruby

And, like the bros of Silicon Valley, he did it all while smoking a doobie

So July 16th it did roll around

And he launched his cyber attack and knew no profits would abound

And the Bernie succeeded –  his cyber attack went through

While the outage only lasted a minute or two

The Bernie knew it’d be enough to stave off some Shoppers – quite a few

And the Bernie smiled gleefully to himself – he had won

But then he heard something that couldn’t be undone

All the Shoppers on Amazon who couldn’t log onto the site

Well, it turns out Walmart.com had done something about their plight

For July 16th, Walmart had also promised free shipping

To keep up with Amazon and get Shoppers double-dipping

So the Shoppers down in Capitalist America, the Kochs and the Trumps

Kept shopping all day — they weren’t down in the dumps!

The Bernie hadn’t stopped Amazon Prime Day – it came

And they bought useless trinkets and fly-swatters all the same

Somehow or other, Prime Day came just the same

And then Bernie, with his socialist-superiority-complex burning-hot in July

Stood puzzling: was there a reason not even the Democrats had made him their guy?

“It came without Amazon. It came without prime.

It came without Jeff Bezos, one-click-delivery, or ads targeted to the nines.”

And he puzzled for hours til his puzzler was sore

Then the Bernie thought of something he hadn’t before

“Maybe income inequality doesn’t come from a site,

Maybe materialism is something that’s harder to fight”

And what happened then? Well, in Capitalist America they say

That the Bernie’s tendencies to rally and decry wealth went away

Even though he’d told supporters his revolution would go on

It seemed like the Bernie’s will-power didn’t stray strong

And the minute his pockets didn’t feel quite so light

Well, he went on to Amazon.com and ordered himself a 3rd Kite!

 

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