INTERNAL MEMORANDUM. FOR FACEBOOK EYES ONLY.
TO: All Staff
FROM: Mark Zuckerberg
Last week BuzzFeed News revealed my secret call to President Trump thanking him for spending millions of dollars on Facebook advertising during the 2016 election. Since then we’ve learned from his campaign’s tactics, and now that the truth is out I’m proud to reveal several more exciting changes inspired by the Trump Campaign’s runaway success.
- We’re bringing back the poke, but renaming it the “Grab” and only enabling it when a male user is browsing a female user’s profile.
- Advertisers will now be allowed to fund their campaigns through innovative payment methods like bitcoin, personal checks from Michael Cohen, and Russian money laundering.
- In response to President Trump’s tweets we’ll be sending several interns to the White House to teach him how to use Facebook and Instagram Stories to threaten nuclear war instead.
- We’re redesigning Facebook Messenger with fun new sticker packs that make it easy to deny the holocaust in everyday conversation!
- In order to address fake news on we’ll be hiring a full time team of News Feed curators who will ensure that the views of Nazi sympathizers are given equal weight as those of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez supporters.
- Apps installed on Facebook will now be required to submit users’ personal data to the Republican National Committee before selling it to the highest bidder.
- And finally: Any posts claiming that Sandy Hook was a massive left wing conspiracy will be immediately removed from the News Feed… until Alex Jones pays to boost them.
Remember, team: At the end of the day Facebook is just a tool. And so am I!