Who Killed the Facts? A Murder Mystery

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Theo the fraternity brother, with his trust fund documents, in the common room.

If you roll up a 100 page legal sized document, it can turn into a mighty powerful, club-like weapon, and Theo has a big one. Facts about white privilege and the socioeconomically disadvantaged sometimes get curious and walk right into frat houses, looking for a good time, to check out the fraternity lifestyle. But one may have gotten a bit too haughty, or even threatening to Theo – who will reportedly earn a hefty inheritance, but has shit for brains – who may have clubbed that poor Fact to death. Facts may make their way into frat houses, but sadly do not always come back out.

 

Kim the soccer mom, with her sharp haircut, in the SUV.

Sometimes Facts can actually come through the radio. Kim the soccer mom has been known to boil over upon hearing things that displease her, and she maintains a very sharp, literally sharp-edged, blonde, highlighted hairstyle that probably qualifies as a weapon. We suspect that a fact about how helicopter parenting may do more harm than good crawled its way through the radio of her vehicle, and Kim may have just obliterated that fact with her angry haircut, blasted it right out of the SUV, and into another realm.

 

Clarice the retiree, with a heavy Bible, at the rummage sale.

Clarice has been known to verbally threaten to remove Facts every single time they wander into the local community center she volunteers in. Facts have just as much a right to be there as she does. We’ve also heard that Clarice aggressively thrusts her Bible towards people who bring Facts near her. So a perfectly peaceful fact about how LGBT individuals have gained more rights in her community may have been smothered or crushed by Clarice’s big ol’ bible during a recent rummage sale.

 

Debra from Neighborhood Watch, with her withering stare, from her living room window.

Debra has been known to possess powers beyond our understanding, with her withering stare, looking out from her living room window.  Neighbors casually walking their dog or just taking a stroll, who also happen support causes and have opinions that Debra does not agree with, have had their thoughts wiped from their minds. So, it’s likely that when Debra trained her laser-like eyes on a Fact that just innocently walked by her home – about how sustainable energy is actually a booming market and fossil fuels days are numbered – she set her phasers to kill mode and totally vaporized it.

 

The President, with Twitter, in the bathroom.

Some undesirable and very risky Facts have likely wandered into the President’s bathroom in the Oval Office, through his mobile device. These Facts would be some of the bravest we’ve ever known, putting themselves on the front line like that, where the chance of survival is next to none. Through the medium of Twitter, the President may have killed the fact that he is totally going to fucking jail with his outright verbal carnage and distortion. What’s left are decapitated words and mutilated phrases that bear no resemblance to their original form.

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