MoviePass Is Now An Airline

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Photo by Manfred Irmer on Pexels.com

Dear Valued Subscriber,

Buckle up. We’ve reached our next stage of evolution: MoviePass is now an airline.

Wait! Don’t cancel! Don’t publish any Reddit threads! Hear us out!

You’ll still be able to watch as many movies as you want—just, now you get to do it in the sky. We got a great deal on some Boeing 377 Stratocruisers, and MoviePass will now offer/require round-trip service to more than six premier destinations, including “unassuming,” “with a comprehensive bus and rail system” Cleveland, Ohio. Spoiler alert: it rocks.

You’ve been to your sticky-floored local Cineplex a hundred times. (Ugh, teenagers!) So why not catch the latest installment of your favorite “Star” franchise on your way to temperate Charlotte, North Carolina?

What do you have against Charlotte?

That small-town charm is what makes the Queen City so appealing.

Well if it’s such a “hole,” why did Tony Parker just sign with the Hornets?

He’s a four-time NBA Champion! He had options!

OK! Feel like we’re getting really hung up on this whole ‘Charlotte’ thing! Again, we have more than six premier destinations! No one is going to force you to fly to Charlotte, even though it’s lovely, just a lovely town!

You don’t seem to appreciate how much thought and time and hand-wringing went into the next stage of MoviePass’s evolution, which frankly could be our last! We are really trying here, guys! We are really trying to make this crazy dream work, and we thought this would be nice, if you all could watch as many movies as you want in the freaking SKY!

As far as we know, no one has ever screened a film on a plane before. We spent the last of our capital outfitting these Stratocruisers with 84 tiny projectors, and we thought it would be really great if you all could sit there with your pretzels and your cup of ice and watch Chris Pratt bash some dino brains in while the clouds float past because you’re 40,000 feet in the air. Call us idiots, but we thought that would be innovative!

We’re disruptors, and what’s more disruptive than bundling movie tickets with plane tickets? Also, this could maybe pull us out of our financial tailspin (!), given that airfare is a few hundred bucks, plus all the hidden fees that come with flying that people have grown desensitized to, more so than say, the movie pass industry.

Maybe this idea is totally ridiculous and doomed to fail. Maybe MoviePass the airline will fly right into the side of a mountain, just crash and burn, blood and smoke everywhere, tons of fatalities. Maybe this isn’t the best metaphor. We’re not in the metaphor business or even the movie business—we’re in the dream business.

And as the wreckage of our dream is smoldering around us, and as rescue workers try to identify the charred remains of our careers, maybe we’ll look at each other and say, “Hey, we tried. We tried to give the people something nice. Maybe it was too nice. Maybe giving people 30 movies for the price of half a movie isn’t a sustainable business model, even if you stick all those people on airplanes.”

“Maybe this idea was five years early.” That’s a thing we’ve heard businesspeople say. Maybe that applies here.

And before that last misguided metaphor of an engine erupts and the flames overtake us, maybe we’ll grab each other’s hands, with tears in our eyes, and say in quiet unison: “Any movie… Any theater…Any day.

Then one of us will make a little air-asterisk with his finger, to point out that really quite a few restrictions apply, but before he can get the words out the dream will explode.

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