Thank you! I’m not sure I’d call the work impressive, but I’m proud of the seven years I spent working at the company. And yes, as you can see, I took a few months off before settling into a position at another company. I lasted there a year and a half, which is a long time these days.

Since then? Well, haha, I often say I’m unemployed but the truth is I have lots of jobs. Like, for example, walking dogs. And working at a café, which makes me feel young again! Because I worked at the same one in high school, haha. And I recently did some work for a startup but I didn’t add that to my resume because they never actually paid me. The freelance life, am I right? And…well…I’ve been doing…other things too.

OK look — what happened is actually kind of a funny story. I left the corporate world to take a chance on myself. You see, I thought I had this talent that I wasn’t developing because I put so much time and energy into work. I know that must sound ridiculous, especially considering that things, well, things didn’t quite work out. Whoops! But I had to try. You have to understand that I had to try.

I gave it my all, and my all wasn’t enough so…here I am! No, of course I realize I would be lucky to get this job. I’m thrilled to be here. Please believe me when I say this would be a dream job for me. Well, not an actual dream job like that dream I had and pursued and failed at but, you know, it certainly wouldn’t be a nightmare. Haha.

What am I looking for? Well…stability. Yes, stability is important to me. It wasn’t always! But it very much is now. It’s extremely important to me now. Stability. I need to be stable. I mean, I need a job that’s stable – I’m already stable, I swear! Despite the fact that I wore a Wayne’s World t-shirt to this interview, haha. No but seriously I’m stable.

What else? Well, money. Yes, stable money. A stable income. I haven’t had money in a long, long time, and I’d like some now. So, money, stability…air conditioning. I’m looking for an air-conditioned building in which to spend my days. It’s so nice and cool in here, unlike in my apartment. I’d love to spend eight hours a day in here, wrapped in a sweater. Or nine. Even ten! Sweaters. Just kidding! I meant ten hours. I’ll work as much as you want me to – please just hire me! I need this. I can do the job, I swear. I was really good at my other jobs, until I left them to pursue my dumbass dream, which did not pan out, not at all.

Just for the record, I have given up on that dream and now I’m totally committed to working a stable job in the air-conditioned corporate world making money…unless you have any connections in the twirling community? No, of course you don’t. And of course I gave up that dream the day I lost control of my baton and accidentally threw it in an elderly woman’s face, which coincidentally was the same day I ran out of money and got evicted and lost my phone. LOL!

I just have one last question: do you have some kind of company talent show?