I Was Just Exercising My First Amendment Right To Tell Children There’s Candy In My Van

Wilson argues that it’s already impossible to police 3D gun technology and he believes he has a free speech right to publish the designs.–  CBS News 

snow winter frozen car

I really don’t understand why you’ve taken me into custody — I haven’t done anything wrong. I was just increasing the amount of knowledge in the world, I was exercising my First Amendment right to provide data. And the data I provided was that, yes, I do have candy in my van. I gave that information to a group of 8-year-olds walking by.

I would have given that information to anyone! I mean, I happened to park my van right outside a soccer practice, but there could have been adults there. If the coach had come by, I definitely would have offered her candy, or at the very least, raced back into my van and driven away very quickly.

Look, I didn’t tell the kids what to do with that information. I absolutely never dreamed they’d choose to enter my van. I was simply relaying facts to them. Much like the internet, I too provide information which might cause harm, maybe, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right as an American to say it! Also, like the internet, my mom won’t let me in her house. But anyway, I didn’t force those kids into the van, although once they were there, it felt rude to kick them out. And I definitely didn’t tell them to stay in my van while I drove it into the woods.

Once we got into the woods, I didn’t coerce them into anything. They pulled their pants down on their own because they had wet them, maybe from bladder control issues or terror. I didn’t do it! And I certainly did not force them to be in the line of my camera when I took pictures. If anything, it was an imposition. I wanted a picture of the sticks and rocks behind them, but, you know kids, always trying to be the center of attention. It’s not my fault they ruined the photo, but I’m a glass-half-full kinda guy, so I didn’t let it stop me from posting those pictures online. My followers love pictures of sticks!

You exercise your First Amendment rights all the time. I see you telling people not to litter and to look both ways before you cross the street. Do you know that I actually pulled a muscle in my neck looking both ways once? You gave me that information, and I used it to hurt myself. But I’m not trying to arrest you. I mean, I would if I could, but I’m handcuffed right now.

We live in the Information Age, after all. Information is critical to making decisions, and it starts early. You’d probably tell your child that they could either do their homework or skip dessert, right? It’s just like that. I gave them the information they needed to make a decision — they could either get in my van with the candy or they could go on living their lives and avoid 6-12 years of therapy. The choice was their’s, really.

In many ways, this was a positive experience for the children. They learned a lot about the First Amendment. And tonight I expect them to learn about Megan’s Law. A very productive day, in my opinion. Probably better than their public schools can do.

And I wasn’t lying — there was candy in my van. I always travel with at least one Snickers. Unfortunately, it’s not for the children, it’s for me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s