Yo yo, it’s ya boi Doug! What is up my ja-bone-ies?! Except you, pupper. You don’t get any bitches, runt. But yo, I just got back from a walk earlier, dude, leg days fucking suck. But yo… pay attention to me…yo!

[aggressive barking for attention]

Thank you. Yo, I was walking back home during my walk, right? And I was just chillin’, you know, looking up at the big grey sky and checking out all the grey flowers around me and stuff, and literally the hottest girl came up and wanted to pet me and I was like, “yooo that is so dope!”

So she gets down on her knees and shit, you know, she starts with the head and she’s scratching it and she’s getting behind the ears where I like it. Then she makes her way downtown like it was nothing, and as soon as I realized it she was scratching my butt and stuff and it felt nice and I’m just thinking, “damn Doug, you pick up girls like they’re fucking sticks on the ground. Also butt stuff is kinda nice.” Ok yeah, dudes also like dogs and want to pet me, but no homo, no homo.

You like this American flag shaved into my belly? It’s hella tight, right? I had to get it done after I lost in my Fantasy Fetch League, but it actually came out fucking SICK.

Ugh I feel like I’m still hungover from this weekend. My human parents were out of town for the day and they didn’t hire a dog sitter so I had the place to myself, but it was so lame because they were coming back that night so I just sat around and drank toilet water, did some chocolate, binge watched Animal Planet, and started humping up with this lassie from down the street. She’s mad cool. She sneaks out of her house and stays out literally until her family comes running down the street yelling her name to come home. She’s literally a bad bitch.

Hey look, here comes a smoking hot dog now.

Hey, girl, you’re looking real fetch on this hump day. What do you say you and me go back to my dog house and you can help me bury my bone doggie-style? Pffft, what do you mean I should be leashed? Baby, I’m looking for a leash-free relationship, if you know what I mean.

What’s her problem, right? Doesn’t she know that I’m a good boy? I’m such a good boy! I’m a good boy! I sit! I sit!

Haha sick, I deserve a treat. Give me a treat… Come on, don’t make me beg for it.

What? What? I don’t get what you’re saying. I don’t know what “no” means!