Hey, I know you saw me at a pro-life rally the other day. I want to be clear about one thing: I’m no fan of “life”. In fact, I support getting rid of it as often as possible. Life’s a real downer, especially when it belongs to other people. Still, I support making abortion illegal because I hate women.
I love killing stuff – I take every opportunity to off living creatures. I volunteer to water my neighbors’ plants and then pee in them, but that only makes them grow more. I step on bugs like it’s my job, because it is (and, of course, my favorite bugs to kill are ladybugs). I buy meat just to throw it in the river so more cows die. I’ve driven my car through many a soccer practice, but, boy, those kids can run! Unfortunately, as much as I’d like to see fetuses die, I hate women even more, so I need to make sure we strip them of their rights by making abortion illegal.
Women keep saying they want the Supreme Court to uphold Roe vs Wade because they deserve to make their “own” decisions “about” their bodies. If women told me they wanted abortion to be illegal, I’d legalize it tomorrow! Well, it’s currently legal, but, you know. But women do want abortion to stay legal, so I must fight it, probably by sending increasingly passionate tweets. Like the Supreme Court, I have 9 followers, only one of whom is a woman (my mom), and so my Twitter account should be given equal weighting in legal matters. We’re going to overturn Roe vs Wade, retweets or no retweets! (Past performance indicates probably no retweets).
Look, in some ways, I’m no different from the horse-fucking liberals. I, like you, love the idea of watching an unborn fetus get pulled out of a woman. The idea of a woman crying in a bathtub, possibly with a hanger involved — that’s my dream — check my PornHub. But I’m a delayed-gratification type of guy. If we make abortions illegal, no, we won’t get to watch the babies get aborted, but we will put women through hell, and I’m willing to make that trade.
The only way I would support keeping abortion legal is if men were the ones having kids. Then, yes, we should abort all the babies. Men can’t have kids, we’re too busy. You expect us to make all the inventions and come up with all the brilliant ideas and stomp on all the ladybugs AND bear all the children? It’s just too much. Like how Donald Trump shouldn’t be criminally investigated because the job of President is too taxing, men cannot be distracted by children. Also, can you imagine how much clingier women would be if we also gave them babies? Gross.
Sometimes it’s hard to stick to my guns. The other day, a little brat ran in front of me, and I cursed, knocked over a tray of glasses, pulled out my knife, and got banned from Chuck E Cheese’s. In moments like that I think, “that kid should have been aborted.” But then I look over at his 23-year-old mother and think of all the college she could have attended if she hadn’t had him, and my resolve is renewed.
So yes, you might see me at a pro-life rally. That’s only because in our stupid, limited 2-party system, we can’t accommodate innovative political views like mine. There is no term for us heroes who uphold the principles of murder while still making women miserable (the one that we get called most often is incel, whatever that means). But I’d like to propose one: Fred. Not just because that’s my name, but also because it’s the name of the Commander in Handmaid’s Tale. As a Fred, I’d support any candidate who espouses my viewpoint, and that candidate will most likely be Donald Trump. Until then, you can expect to see me at even more pro-life rallies! After all, they have the hottest girls.