Broke Ass Goop: Pussy Eggs, Endless Detoxes And Paris With Tweens

happy smiling teenager family
You and your fancy ass tween

We’re entering the dog days of summer which, according to Goop, means we should all stop eating and start taking our children on spa trips to Paris. If you, like me, are too broke to go to Paris or a spa or have kids or drink something called gynostemma, fret not! I found affordable alternatives to all of this week’s particularly bananas (which by the way are not on the detox menu) recommendations.

x
M.C.

SHOP

Goop Recommendation: Perhaps Goop’s most famous product, the Jade Egg is a $66 oval slab of jade you’re supposed to shove up your pussy. Why? Who knows! There’s also a Rose Quartz Egg for $55. It’s the cheapest thing on the website.

Cheaper Alternative: Stick a real egg up your pussy. If you want to surprise everyone around you, squeeze real tight and crack it. Scrambled eggs for everyone!

FOOD

A 3-Day Summer Reset

Goop Recommendation: Give up sugar, gluten, corn, alcohol, dairy and caffeine and drink broth for breakfast.

Cheaper Alternative: It’s summer, which means you should be living off of fresh fruit and vegetables…drenched in dairy, paired with alcohol and chased with ice cream. No matter how much you eat, it’ll probably be cheaper than that damn broth!

WELLNESS

The 3-Day, Anti-Bloat Summer Reset

Goop Recommendation: If you don’t want to do the previous detox, do this more restrictive one instead because it’s summer and you should not be eating!!!

Cheaper Alternative: To reduce bloat, drink coffee (which is not allowed on this detox, OBVIOUSLY) and take a dump.

STYLE

How to Shop for Tweens

Goop Recommendation: This “article” just includes a collection of other articles, including Back-to-School Tween Fashion, which is filed under WORK and suggests you buy your child this $615 diamond necklace.

Cheaper Alternative: Don’t have kids and don’t buy shit for anyone else’s kids

TRAVEL

Paris with Tweens & Teens

Goop Recommendation: This guide includes a lot of rooftop meals and trips to spas with your children???

Cheaper Alternative: Let a 12-year-old (make sure they’re not a stranger!) use your shower. Voilà — a spa trip with a tween!

BEAUTY

Clean Skincare Routines for Tweens and Teens

Goop Recommendation: Get your child this $90 mask — excuse me, masque.

Cheaper Alternative: Give someone else’s kid a bucket of fresh mud. Tell her it’s a masque. She won’t know the difference because kids don’t know anything about skincare.

WORK

The Ultimate Shopping Challenge: Tweens

Goop Recommendation: Like the previous child shopping guide, this one is also filed under work because in Goop terms, spending an exorbitant amount of money on your children’s clothing is your job. So stop procrastinating, bitch, and buy your kid this $218 Stella McCartney Military Jacket.

Cheaper Alternative: Get your friend’s child a real military jacket from Goodwill. It will probably cost $5 and may (bonus!) have blood stains that’ll teach the child about the horrors of war. How educational!

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