A Form Letter Template To Be Used By Taylor Swift’s Many Enemies

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Dear (Choose one from the following),

  • Taylor Swift,
  • T Swift,
  • Tay Tay,

First and foremost, I want to come right out and apologize. I’m sorry for (choose one:)

  • Speaking ill of you in the media.
  • Dating you.
  • Accidentally stealing your parking spot in our shared Tribeca apartment complex parking structure.

When I first heard about how angry it made you – to the point of releasing music expressing this pure, seething fury – it made me feel (choose one:)

  • Extremely excited because I was finally getting vengeance and gaining ground in our ongoing feud, but ultimately empty.
  • Sad because I knew that I was straying further and further away from The Squad’s light.
  • Regretful for ever thinking I deserved a beautiful angel like you.
  • Incredibly nervous, knowing what a powerful enemy I had made. One with whom the apartment board would surely side if a complaint were to be filed.

Going forward, I pray I can work my way back into your good graces. It’s my biggest hope that you can release this rage you’re holding on to and go back to the Taylor everyone showered in awards. To show you how dedicated I am to repairing our relationship I commit to (choose one:)

  • Maintaining a never-before-seen level of restraint when being catty about you to colleagues, friends, and fans.
  • Jumping at the chance to have a “totally impromptu and spontaneous” friend Instagram session at a time of your choosing.
  • Telling every media outlet available how brave, vulnerable, and amazing your song about our relationship is.
  • Looking into selling my Beemer and seeking out alternative means of transportation that would in no way threaten your parking spot again. 

Sincerely,
(Your name)
(Any notable MTV VMA moments you were part of/your apartment number)

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