Tour Guide Instructions For A University With A High-Profile Rape Case

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We’re so happy you’ve become a tour guide! Please read through the following instruction manual to make sure you’re all ready to go when the time comes!

  1. Peppiness is key! Here at the University of Virginia, it’s critical that you be able to convey to prospective students that we have fun here (but not that kind of fun), so laugh!
  2. Always, always, always walk backward so you can show your big shining smile to the group! Plus, with so much of the student body outside enjoying the warm weather, there will always be another Duke student to warn you that you’re about to walk into a tree. Just make sure you don’t accidentally lead the tour into a lacrosse field, you might get hit by a ball! Plus it’s triggering and our admission numbers are down.
  3. Stanford has great weather — can you please try, if at all possible, to make sure the sun is shining on your tours? Thank goodness for Northern California, where, I’d like you to remind the group, not everyone is a swimmer.
  4. HIghlight our great dining options! Vanderbilt prides itself on its Southern delicacies
  5. Bring out the stats! Tell prospective students and their parents how Brown ranks #1 in areas like Undergraduate education, but please omit the #1 ranking in total sexual assaults in the year 2016.
  6. Highlight Columbia’s fantastic on-campus housing, but please don’t actually show them the dorm rooms unless all the mattresses have been removed.
  7. Take questions! But only about our stellar academics and sporting teams — please do not answer questions about Baylor’s disciplinary system for trying rapists, we’re still working out the details.
  8. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever say the word “rape.”

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