How to Be a Nerd: Instructions from a Hot Social Media Influencer

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You’re hot. You came out of your mother hot, covered in the chicest afterbirth that only someone with your God-given natural beauty could ever hope to pull off. You will die, wrinkle-free at the age of ninety, surrounded by a brood of the most chiseled and symmetrical decedents known to man.  In the past, this would have been enough. You could coast on your sharp jawline or your innately pouty lips, but times have changed. Being hot isn’t cool anymore, at least not on its own. If you want to make a living as a social media influencer based solely on your appearance, you have to be relatable. I know, gross. How could you, beauty personified, be relatable to the rest of plebian hoards? The answer: You have to be a nerd. Don’t worry, I’m here to walk you through the transformation from hot to still hot, but different.

Clothing and Accessories

Forget the designer clothes in your closet, they can’t help you, nerds don’t care and can’t afford them (let’s be honest, neither can you, they were free for you), you’ll need a whole new wardrobe. Start with graphic T-shirts. Yes, that’s right, graphic T-shirts, preferably with a superhero logo. These shirts scream “I don’t care what I wear, I only care about Batman” or whatever. Toss on a loud, tartan print flannel shirt over that graphic T. They are comfortable, functional and hide, just enough, your sculpted physique. Don’t worry, you could never fully cover that up, it’s physically impossible. Slide on a pair of thick-rim glasses. This is a crucial step, these glasses, yeah, you know the ones, are like a fresh pair of Lululemon pants for hot people, they define them.

Activities

Never got into video games? Of course you didn’t, you were too busy being good-looking. But here’s the thing, nerds love them, so even if you aren’t going to play them, you have to make people think you do. I wake up every morning, stare in the mirror, just like I’ve always done, but now, instead of asking who is the fairest of them all, I say “Me? Oh, I love Mario Kart.” I don’t, not enough attractive people for my taste, but if, God forbid, I was in a situation where I actually had to play video games, it’s much easier to get away with one of these classic yet beloved games than one of those scary violent games that require strategy and skill. Go ahead and invest in a N64. You never have to play it, but you will have to take pictures of it. Your followers need to know that you remember the same stuff from the 90s and early 00s as they do, and since they didn’t live in a first-class seat between Dubai and London, this is the easiest way to “relate”.

Vocabulary

The way you speak could easily blow your cover as a hot person posing as a nerd. That vaguely English-Australian-French accent you’ve cultivated over the last few years jet-setting from film festivals to fashion shows is a dead giveaway. Get rid of it. Did you get rid of it yet? Good, now that you speak like a normal person, we can address the vocabulary with which you speak. As far as these people are concerned, you grew up in Sacramento, stop calling your apartment a flat. The only slang you should be using as a newly minted nerd is internet slang. Use words like “facepalm” and “wrekt.” They aren’t real words, but nerds use them all the time. If you’re having trouble with this, and I’m sure you are, there are a ton of Twitch videos on YouTube, which are just real nerds playing video games and talking. These are your new text books, study them. Oh, right, text books are things ugly people use to learn things.  A few minutes into one of these videos and you’ll pick up a few important key phrases to use on your Instagram stories.

It will take some time, but if you follow these general guidelines, you can go from Greek God to Geek God in no time!

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