Hey dudes, dudettes, and non-gendered chillaxers of all ages, piercings, and body types! We know you don’t follow “the news” but maybe one of your late night “comedians” told you about the big changes happening here at the Republican Party!
From protectionist tariffs to $12 billion bailouts, the GOP is finally embracing the hottest new trend in politics: Socialism!
Sure, we did pass that massive corporate tax cut last year, and yes, some of our members are still insulting Democratic Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for being a woman (although to be fair: She is a woman). But forget all that! Because the new and improved Republican Party is the hippest, dopest, most down-to-earth political party this side of a handlebar mustache!
Don’t believe us? Then check out these gnarly new socialist policies you can expect from your favorite party, mi compadres! (Look, we aren’t even afraid of co-opting the Spanish language anymore!)
- Are you concerned you won’t have enough money saved for retirement? Well with our new social security plan you’ll be able to retire in style when we accidentally deport you!
- Does the separation of children from their parents get you down? Well cheer up, because we’re redistributing these adorable children to any American looking for a new accessory to show off at brunch!
- Do you like marijuana? Then get excited, because we’re going to legalize it! (For white people.)
- After successfully bailing out soybean farmers we’re finally going to bail out your step-brother–– and we’ll even pay for a decent lawyer this time!
- We know the trade war with China has you worried, so we’ve passed an exemption for that sweet Chinese delivery place with the lo mein you like!
- Do you think Big Banks are rigging the economy? Then we have great news, because now you’ll be able to do all your banking at your neighborhood U.S. Post Office! (Oh, but first we’re privatizing the postal service and selling it directly to Bank of America, Chase, and Wells Fargo.)
- Are you a fan of Elizabeth Warren? Then be sure to check out all the female Republicans running for office! They’ll be easy to spot on the ballot because they’ve all legally changed their names to Elizabeth Warren!
- Still worried about the trade war because it might make your next iPhone ridiculously unaffordable? Relax, brah. We’re passing a law that will let you stay on your parent’s family plan until age 47!
- Speaking of mooching off your elders: We hear you millennials love Canada’s socialized medicine, so we’re passing a new Obamacare replacement that lets you get free emergency care by directing all ambulance drivers to dump patients at the Canadian border (they say Windsor, Ontario has some great hospitals!).
So what do you say, America? Are you as jazzed to vote “R” as we “are”?! (Puns are basically the socialism of humor, so we know you liked that.)
Be sure to show your support by donating your pittance of a salary to the Koch Brothers Super PAC today! (Please note: Our professional code of ethics does not allow us to accept stolen office supplies, but we will gladly accept stolen Supreme Court seats.)