If Other Professions Depended on Tipping To Earn A Living Wage

alcohol bar blur celebration
Photo by Terje Sollie on Pexels.com


  • My son made me the same macaroni necklace two years in a row. No wages for his teacher.
  • My doctor told me I had herpes. You think he deserves $15? My itchy pussy says no.
  • I wanted pants that would make me look like Kim Kardashian. Everyone at the Gap said she has “butt implants.” I’m tipping them nothing, and I’ll take my business elsewhere!
  • I told my bank teller she had a nice rack, and she didn’t smile. I’m going to tell her manager to cut her salary in half.
  • My ex is posting pics of his new girlfriend on Facebook. I want Mark Zuckerberg on welfare tomorrow!
  • Five years later and my child is still autistic — you better believe this therapist is not getting a Christmas bonus.
  • If my lawyer doesn’t give me her number, I’m going to foreclose on her house.
  • I didn’t like the ending of Harry Potter. Did Harry have to die? Well, I didn’t read all the way through, but it seemed like he was going to die. I’m going to reclaim JK Rowling’s billions of dollars. Authors shouldn’t get paid based on how many books they sell, they should get paid based on how satisfied I personally feel at or near the end of a book. Also, I lost my copy of the 6th one, so I hope JK Rowling never takes another vacation. Do you mean to tell me JK Rowling is a woman? In that case, I’d like her to have a negative net worth.
  • I want this kale to taste like ice cream. I don’t think the employees at Whole Foods deserve to be paid. Oh, wait? There’s a kale ice cream? That sounds gross – I’m never going to Whole Foods again. I hope it shuts down.
  • I got a new pimple. I’m blaming my Grandma for bad genes. I hope the government stops sending her Social Security checks. You’re hungry, Grandma? Should have thought twice about reproducing with that skin.
  • Will my dog ever stop barking? I’m blaming evolution for this one — I bet dogs used to be quiet. If I had the chance, I would have thrown Darwin out on the street. He invented evolution, after all, and without him, my dog wouldn’t yap. I should probably have fed him this week, but I just can’t bring myself to reward evolutionarily bad behavior.
  • It’s been raining too many days in a row. I don’t even believe in God, but I want him/her to be poor. Actually, upon closer inspection of the Bible, it appears that God wanted to be poor (who believes this shit?) so in that case, I hope he/she gets super fucking rich and HATES it.
  • My wife takes too long to get ready. I will spend our children’s college fund on a new boat.

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