Thoughts From the Fruit Fly Living in Your Boyfriend’s Beard


I can’t fly.

I’m trapped in this rat’s nest of doodie.

Talk about being bogged down by an oasis of FILTH and DISEASE.

It smells so bad in here, I think I might die today, and I’m not due to die for at least another three weeks.

I swear, I’m not being dramatic. There is seriously a lot of poo in here.

You can’t see the poo, but to me, the little tiny poo particles look positively mammoth.

You’d think I’d have drowned when your boyfriend showered, but nope, the water doesn’t even REACH my impenetrable  perch of bad hair and poo bits.

Also, I hate to break it to you lady, but your boy doesn’t shampoo his beard.

Which leads me to the question…

Are you sick?

Really, I can’t believe you’re not sick.

I know you guys make out and do sexy time all the time, so your face is face to face with his face (a cesspool of bacteria.)

Which leads me to a personal question…

Is your vagina sick?

Really, how the heck is your vag not covered in an unspeakably incurable rash?

I mean, I try to fly away every time he’s down there steel-wooling the heck out of your labia, but alas, I am trapped and unable to move in this hairy labyrinth of infection.

But I hear you moaning and groaning, and I can’t tell if it’s from pleasure, or from the pain of a contracting an inevitable BEARD- RELATED DISEASE.

Which leads me to the question…

Is your boyfriend sick?

I really just can’t imagine that your boyfriend ISN’T sick…

I mean, every time he coughs or clears his throat, I think it’ll dislodge me from this hair prison, but alas, I’m still trapped in this brillo pad of death.

Plus, he coughs and clears his throat A LOT, and I don’t know if he’s just a man noise, or if he really is dying a slow death from a FACIAL-HAIR, FILTH-INDUCED DISEASE.

Which leads me to the darker question…

Am I sick?

I mean, I can’t fathom the idea that I’m NOT sick, you know?

Plus, a lot of other fruit flies have died in this beard. Trust me, I’d know.  I see their corpses lying about day in and day out.

I mean, I know I’m only supposed to live for a month or so, but I’d rather be alive then some useless beard carcass.

What if I’m the lone survivor of a fruit fly pandemic, rapidly spreading throughout your lover’s unnecessarily long  and illness filled BEARD?

Which leads me to the question…

Can you get your boyfriend to shave his beard?

Please. Tell him you want to “see his face for the first time,” or something sexy and sweet like that!

If he refuses, maybe slip him a sleeping pill and shave it off while he’s asleep.

But when you shave it, can you make sure you detangle the beard a little, so I can fly out?

I know it’s a lot of ask, but you can do this!

Oh, boy, he’s coughing again.

I’m gonna try to fly out!

Dang it!

Blocked by a piece of poo again!







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