Thank you for taking time out of your day to consider my application. I realize that in many ways I am not the ideal candidate for this position, but let me assure you that I, the Cold Foam atop your Starbucks iced coffee, am uniquely qualified to serve as a Warby Parker Eyewear Associate.
Are you still with me? Then thank you, because I know I’m not a traditional applicant and I’m sure you have dozens of questions. Questions like: “when did I show up on the menu?”, “how do I differ from whipped cream?”, and “who decided that I should be flavored with rich caramel and real sea salt?”
These are excellent questions to be sure, but before I can answer any of them I have to dispense with the obvious: Yes, I know I do not have any eyes. And I understand why, at first glance, this might be seen as a disqualifying characteristic for the position of Eyewear Associate. In response I merely I ask you this: Have thine own eyes yet feasted upon the frothy crown that I, and I alone, can bestow upon thine favorite cold brew?
Have your rich ocular orbs beheld the way my milky tendrils slowly melt into that pitch black ocean of rich, smooth dark roast? If not then perhaps you are in need of some new glasses! And I can think of no better retailer for both the frames and the lenses than Warby Parker. I know they will be my first choice for optical assistance when Starbucks inevitably introduces Sentient Cold Foam Cold Brew with optional Carmel Salted Optic Nerve.
My point is that despite being eye-less I understand the importance of sight more than most. I mean sure, I can neither perceive depth nor color, but that doesn’t mean I can’t perceive style. I’ve always been seen as a trendsetter, and in my current position I’ve increased the price of an iced coffee by well over a dollar, and for what? Did you previously gaze upon your iced coffee desperately wish it had a more Instagrammable top layer? Did your gaze linger on the parfaits in the cold case, leaving you wondering “why? Why can’t my coffee look like that?!”
Of course you didn’t. Because I didn’t come here just to be some seasonal Frappuccino flavor. I came here to reinvent the cold brew experience as know it. I came here to redefine the iced coffee space. I’m not just the natural evolution of the latte or nitro cold brew–– don’t even talk to me about that bullshit. I am an iconoclast. I am a category creator. I am the reason every single independent coffee shop you visit will be offering cold foam next spring. I have radically disrupted the iced coffee paradigm in ways we never could have imagined mere months ago, and I know this is exactly kind of innovation and drive for results that Warby Parker prides itself on.
Most importantly my personal values align with those of Warby Parker, one of the most progressive brands in the country. I mean just look at my lid: Proudly straw-free from the day I was introduced. In fact, by 2020 every Starbucks iced coffee in the country will be sipped out of an elegant eco-friendly sippy cup like mine. Of course by then I hope to be proudly representing the WP brand in one of your several convenient retail locations, but I’m proud to know that my work will live on.
In conclusion, I hope you will look past any preconceived notions you have about the optical limitations of a beverage or the ability of the world’s largest coffee chain to simultaneously innovate and increase profit margins, because if you do I’m confident that you will see that I am the most qualified dairy-based candidate for the job.